She wondered if they would remember her.
But she couldn’t think about that now. It surely couldn’t be that long, she thought, not long till this was all over and she could come back to live her life. Just be normal. Hang on to that thought. It was already beginning to tip away, all the things she’d thought would be hers. It never once crossed her mind to try to see Jason before she went—he wouldn’t understand, might try to turn her in. He believed the system was fair. Why hadn’t she seen this, all along? He had never been hers.
By the time she got to Sembawang Park, it felt like this had always been her existence, the unsettled hollow deep in her stomach, the tingling at the edge of all her senses. Jason used to talk about an image in one of his books, a bird flying through the cold, dark sky, suddenly finding an open window into a banquet hall. A burst of warmth and activity, the aroma of rich food, then through another window back out into the empty night.
The park was almost empty, just a few straggling fishermen and one or two couples striving for romance. Her shoes left faint prints on the pale sandy path, and casuarina trees rustled around her. Why hadn’t she done this more often? But of course, she’d always been busy, and as a mother of young children, could never have come here on her own, like this. Maybe these were the moments of true freedom, in between things. She had nothing, just the clothes she was in and a little bit of money. The air smelled of salt and something slimy, an undertone of decomposition. She breathed deep anyway.
Feroz didn’t want to know anything, not even her name. He said a number, which turned out to be most of the cash. After he’d counted the notes solemnly a couple of times, he nodded and thumbed at the boat. She looked around, though it was dark enough now that no one could have made her out, and climbed in. Was this really happening? He pulled a tarpaulin over her, then she heard scraping as he hauled it the last few feet into the water. A sudden uplift, then a rocking stronger than she’d expected, for how calm the sea had been. When she judged they were a safe distance out, she risked poking her head out for a quick look back the way they’d come, too dark now to make out more than a faint wash of orange from the streetlamps, and otherwise just the rolling inky waves. She looked for the other shore, but it was still too far away to see.