I sweep up the crumbs and also clean the kitchen; detritus from Jonah’s lunch is everywhere. In five days, there won’t be any more of Jonah’s messes to clean up. It should be a bright spot in this whole thing, but it’s not remotely bright. My anger dissipates as I worry that we’re making a terrible mistake, but then I think about my parents’ worst fear, which my mother’s cancer brings into sharp relief: what happens to Jonah if and when something happens to them? And I know that this is necessary and sensible and also kind of a stroke of good fortune.

I never imagined a stroke of good fortune could hurt so much.

Upstairs, Mom is giving Jonah a shower. I can tell by the dueling voices that my mom is washing his hair — the only part of showers Jonah doesn’t like. My dad usually showers Jonah because he’s tall enough to keep shampoo from getting in Jonah’s eyes. I wonder how showers will go at Little Lambs Village. Will they get soap in his eyes? I disappear into my room, closing the door softly behind me. I flop down on my bed and let myself cry.

How is this all going to work? What if they can’t handle him? What if they don’t like him? What if he hurts them? Worse, what if they are too rough with him? I can’t bear the thought of anybody hurting him. I lie with my face in my pillow and let my tears soak in. The worries in my head spin into infinity. My whole family seems to be falling apart, one by one. Who’s next? My dad has high blood pressure. What if he has a stroke? I can’t bear the thought of a single thing getting worse.

I wish there were something, anything, I could do. It’s not as if I can move in with Jonah and spend a week helping him transition, explaining all his quirks and preferences and noises to the staff. In a way, it’s probably a good thing his first day at Little Lambs Village is a school day and I’m not going with my parents to drop him off. I’m sure I’d cry and make everything worse for everyone. And I know my parents are perfectly capable of advocating for Jonah. I just wish I felt confident that the staff there will understand him, and that they’ll be kind to him.

After fretting about it a while, it occurs to me that maybe there is something I can do.

I go to my computer and open a document.

ABOUT JONAH MILLER

1. He loves birds and nature. He will sit very still and quiet when nature videos are playing.