“When did you work it out?” I asked.

It took him a moment to reply. “Moon Tide.”

The same night that I had kissed him. It had been me, I was responsible, I had infected him. Not in that moment, but it had still been me. A splinter of ice worked its way into my heart, a cold, bright needle of pain.

“I didn’t want you to know,” he said.

My voice sounded like it belonged to a different person. “You didn’t sleep with another Sister, did you?”

“What?” He shook his head. “No, of course not.”

I had done this to him. The full weight of that knowledge settled down on me. The ice grew harder, colder, made it difficult to even breathe. I nodded slowly, my head heavy.

“We need to go,” I said.

“El, there’s nowhere for me to go.”

He pronounced the words in such a matter-of-fact way, so calm and resigned, that they took a moment to penetrate my brain. Millie started to say something angry. I spoke over her.

“I will not let you stay here.” I turned around. Couldn’t look at him. “I will not let the Order use you to Renew other Sisters, because I know exactly what that means and what it is like. You will come with me because no matter what happens, no matter what you say, I will not let you stay here.”

Silence. I was trembling and could not stop.

“Do I have to drag you out of the building?” I asked.

Soft footsteps behind me. Finn placed a hand on my shoulder. Even through my clothing, his skin felt icy.

“I’ll come,” he said.

I shrugged him off and walked quickly toward the stairs. I did not trust myself to say anything else. Millie whispered to him, urging him to follow. Around me, the prisoners shouted and moaned, but I ignored them.

I did this to him.

I did this to him.

I did this to him.

The words echoed in my footfalls, pounding against my skull. I kept my eyes on the floor in front of me, down the stairs, past the Renewal Chambers, into the foyer.

“I have to speak to Commander Asan,” I said. “Stay out of sight and wait for me at your grandparents’ house.”

“Elfreda?” said Millie, alarmed.

I pushed the front door open and kept walking. I would find them later. I ground my teeth together so that I did not scream.

CHAPTER

THIRTY-ONE

Alone, I moved faster and with less caution. Power coursed through my blood and begged for violence. It would feel good to wield it, to give in to all the anger and lash out. I could crush anyone.

But the cold night air blew through me and cooled my head. One step, and then another. I had known all along that Finn was infected. It should not shock me now.

There’s nowhere for me to go.

I scowled.