‘Jeremy, I’m so sorry.’ He took his friend in his arms, hugging and rocking him. ‘I love you. I love you, Jeremy. I’ve always loved you. I’m so sorry.’ He stayed there, hugging and rocking his best friend, until the small hours, then curled Jeremy into a ball and covered him with the sleeping bag.

Rave stayed there beside him for four days and nights until he finally worked out the best thing to do.

4 January 1995

Dear Maisie,

It all happened so fast. We were there and then he was gone and I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I wanted to be normal. I fought my feelings with everything I had in me but I have loved him since I can remember and it killed me because I knew it was wrong. But then all of a sudden he loved me back and it was a miracle, Maisie, like a bolt from the blue. It was the best moment of my entire life. I felt exhilarated, happy, free, content, normal, and I know he felt the same just in that moment. But when the voices that haunt me filled my head I pushed him, Maisie. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’d never hurt him. I just wanted some space to stop, to think, to take a little time. It was all so sudden and so much, I thought my head and heart would burst if I didn’t step back, so I pushed him. There was a nail on the wall. He must have lost his footing and fallen against it. He didn’t feel anything. I promise. I tried to save him. I did everything I could but he wouldn’t come back. He couldn’t come back and it’s all my fault.

I’m going to say goodbye now. I’m going to post this and then I’m going to go. I can’t be here without him. Even if I could, I can’t live with myself now so I’m going to join him, wherever he is. That’s where I want to be.

I’ve drawn a map of how to find the hut. He’s wrapped up in my sleeping bag. Nothing can touch him here. When I knew he was gone I rolled him into a ball. I wanted him to be somewhere inside of happy, Maisie. I know that’s what he’d want. You were always so kind to me. You don’t deserve this. I wish I could change it. I wish I could turn back time and do everything differently. I wish …

I loved him. I’m so grateful to you and I’m so, so sorry. I hope you get over it. I hope you don’t run off somewhere or become a junkie like my parents because Valerie needs you.

Love, Rave

PS I’m in the reservoir if anyone is looking for me.

FRIDAY,
6 JANUARY 1995