He had been angry with himself after the bad-sex incident. Not just angry, disappointed. If he couldn’t get his act together, if she left him, he worried that, with another girl, he might not be able to go through with it. Rave was terrified all the time, terrified his mother was right about him, terrified his da would die on him, terrified he’d be found out. Mostly he was terrified that he’d end up completely and utterly alone. Every minute of every new day brought new and difficult obstacles and he was just so tired of it all. He wanted everything to freeze in that moment so that it was just him and Beany hanging out in a log cabin surrounded by wind and rain and U2 playing on the stereo. Beany looked lovely in the candlelight: he admired his lean body, handsome face and wild, sandy hair. He wondered what it would be like to touch him. He wanted to so badly but he never would. He couldn’t or wouldn’t risk it.

Once when he was sleeping on Jeremy’s floor, his friend had woken with a nightmare. He was distressed and said that sometimes he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. When Rave had tried to comfort him he’d turned away and said he could never understand. It was strange because Rave was so practised in holding his breath he could have lived under water, but how could Jeremy have known that?

He’d wished he could tell him, right now in that moment, even as it passed.

Jeremy

When Rave was all cried out he wiped his eyes with his knuckles. ‘Sorry,’ he said again. ‘Don’t tell anyone.’

‘I won’t.’ Jeremy meant it. Of course he wouldn’t say anything. He just wished he could make everything all right. Why does life have to be so unfair?

‘You think I’m a tosser, right?’ Rave said.

‘For crying?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Don’t be stupid. I cry all the time.’

‘Yeah?’ Rave seemed relieved.

‘Yeah.’

‘Why?’

Jeremy could tell he really wanted to know but what could he say? Because I’m in love with you and it makes me sick. ‘Dunno.’

‘Has to be for a reason,’ Rave pushed.

Just open up. Give him something, say anything …

‘Just life.’ Jeremy panicked. I can’t do this. Rave was staring at him as though he needed something from him. I don’t know what to say.

‘Tell me something, Beany. If you’re sad, give me a fuckin’ reason.’ Rave sounded frustrated, angry even.

Jeremy felt like running. He jumped up – he needed some space. It was so hot in the cabin that he felt like his skin was on fire. Rave stood up and followed him. Jeremy put himself into the corner, like he always did when they were alone.

‘What’s wrong?’ Rave said, moving forward. ‘Why can’t you just relax?’