and you were never able to give it to me.

i’ve spent years trying to write it into existence.

i think it’s what keeps this hole open,

what keeps the poems coming.

i know you follow my instagram

it was a monday when i realized

you were reading my poetry again.

the first thing that went through my head was

“why wouldn’t he ruin this for me?”

when i sat and i thought about it,

i realized that you probably never stopped.

that nothing i’ve written about you

has ever been safe.

i guess i knew that on some level,

but it was so easy to ignore

when there wasn’t a notification to tell me it was true.

i used to live in a bubble where you only existed

when i felt like thinking about you.

i said anything i wanted without being

afraid of what would happen.

and now that’s gone.

i wish i could say that i don’t care

and that i’m not scared to write what i feel

but i can’t say that and mean it.

the last thing i want is for you to see any of this,

and i do care that you are.

if you read all of the poems you’ll know

that i do. it’s always there. even at my angriest

i want you to know that it’s not for you to see.

but i won’t block you.

i won’t try to get you to stop.

read it if you want.

maybe you’ll learn something from it.

maybe there’s something like closure in this.

finally,

i am saying something

and now, after all this time,

you are actually listening.

SELF-REFLECTION:

i wanted us to work so badly because you made me into the worst

version of myself. and i wanted that to be worth it.

i needed it to be.

this is what you don’t understand

you didn’t have to deal with the aftermath.

you were long gone when i finally realized

what it was exactly that i’d been through.

you didn’t have to see me like that,

but everybody else did.

they watched me close in on myself

as i struggled to grapple with the truth.

they helped me as i slowly began

digging up all the red flags

i’d buried along the way.

they loved me through it,

through the fury and the grief

and the confusion and the healing.

they were here. you weren’t.

and as much as i can try

to put it into words and explain it to you,

i just can’t.

it doesn’t matter how long

it takes for you to face the reality

of what happened to you.

it happened.

it was real.

take as long as you need.

there is no time limit, here.

i hope that,

at the very least,

i am your reminder of what happens

when you treat somebody’s love like a game

and play with their heart like it’s a toy.