it could have been in march,

although that was a good month,

when you came to visit and things felt okay,

not perfect, not even good, but okay.

maybe that was why, though—

it finally hit me that okay was not enough.

but then, it could have been in april,

when you kissed her even though

you promised you wouldn’t.

you said you didn’t mean it,

and i still don’t know if you were referring to

the promise, or the kiss, or both.

i know now that it was all of these things

that led me to leave you in may,

and there was never a specific moment,

never one thing that broke my heart more

than the rest.

really, it was just the way

loving you wore me down.

whittled me away to the bone,

heart breaking into pieces for you to

keep in your pockets.

intentions

i don’t think you intended to hurt me.

at least, not in the beginning.

but once it started, i don’t think you felt that bad about it, either.

i’ve gone over all the options, and that’s the one that makes the

most sense to me.

you see, it’s one of three:

1. you didn’t know what you were doing. but that doesn’t work

because i told you. so that leads me to

2. you knew what you were doing, intentionally or not, but you did

nothing to fix it. and there could only be one rational reason why

you wouldn’t, which is

3. you didn’t feel bad about it. you knew what you were doing

because i told you, but nothing changed because you didn’t care

enough. or maybe part of you enjoyed it, but i still won’t allow

myself to really believe that.

i’m not saying you didn’t feel bad at all, just not enough. you

apologized and made empty promises and temporary changes,

and i do think those were, mostly, genuine attempts. but the will

to actually change wasn’t inside you. and i believe you realized that

rather fast.

that was the problem.

you realized you weren’t going to change, and you should have felt

bad enough about hurting me to let me go.

but you didn’t.

so here we are.

you did not know

how to love me.

and that

would’ve been okay

if you’d just felt

like learning.

when they say you’ve grown

some people have told me

you’re a kinder person now,

so maybe i should be a little

kinder too.

what they forget

is that i do not know you

now.

i knew you

then.

and the person you were then

was not kind in a lot of ways

and that is the person i loved.

so it doesn’t really matter

what you’re like now.

i hope, honestly,

that what they say is true.

i hope you’re a better person.

for more than just

my own sake.

closure is the one thing i always wanted from you