i think i was less careful, more optimistic,

less likely to fly and more likely to fight.

and that’s the part that gets me:

the fact that once, i was more willing to stay,

and i think maybe that was a good thing,

sometimes—not always, but sometimes.

i would love to be able to remember

who i was before you came storming into my life

but all i can recall are glimpses of somebody

who thought they knew heartbreak but really didn’t.

not even close. not even a little.

i lost myself in our story. i wrapped myself tight in the happy

ending we were supposed to have. it kept me warm when you were

nothing but ice.

i said, “we’ll be married one day.”

i said, “this will all have been worth it.”

it took me far too long to realize that all this pain made our happy

ending impossible.

yours is the first name

that comes to mind

when i think of how powerful love can be,

even after all this time.

it’s like some habit i’ve yet to break.

but i guess it is true:

you were the definition of a powerful love.

so great i would have done anything to keep it,

so magnificent i forgot myself

entirely.

sometimes i love you really means help me: a rambling

one time, i told you i would love you forever,

and that i would always find it tucked away somewhere

in my heart to forgive you. upon some self-reflection,

i have discovered what might have been unknowingly

hidden in between the lines of that promise:

the saddest thing is that i will love you even like this,

even when it feels more like suffocating,

even when love feels more like a synonym

for denial or being a doormat or

letting somebody hurt you over

and over

and over

again.

i will love you even when you hold me

by the throat.

when you’ve manipulated me into

letting you choke the self-respect out of me.

i will love you even then

because what else is there to do?

what else do i have left?

i will love you when i am drowning

beneath your hands

and when i am burning

from your matches.

i will love you when i am bleeding

from your snake bites

and when i am bandaging

up the wounds.

because you will be there.

you will always be there

to clean up the mess you’ve made.

you will never let me down.

you may hurt me every day but you never let me down

not once not ever not ever will you let me down

at least not like that.

you may lie to me and cheat on me and

tell me that i’m crazy and that i told you it was okay

and that i’m the reason you kissed her and then

left her crying i’m the reason you broke her heart

it wasn’t because you couldn’t control yourself

or have an ounce of loyalty it was because of me