foreign / all the bleeding i had to do before i realized you were the

knife / how you have always been my anchor / how that used to

be a good thing / but now it just means you’re keeping me / down

/ the poems i’ve written / the people that warned me / this gap

between us / the way i used to try so hard to bridge it / the way i

still want to forgive you / the way that i know you would let me

i miss you, still.

despite knowing i shouldn’t.

despite knowing it only makes this worse.

some thoughts from the hyatt in louisville

missing you comes in waves. i spent a weekend in the place where

we once soared, the place that was meant for us. i see you in every

floor tile. in the glass reflection of the elevator. do you know it still

makes my stomach clench? i have never been good with heights.

you held my hand on it, once. you looked at me and smiled and

for a moment the only reason my heart was pounding was you. but

nothing stays the same. now when i ride the elevator, my friends

laugh at how i can’t look up. they do not hold my hand. it is a

different type of comfort.

missing you comes in waves. it hits me like a tsunami here. only

here. today i drown in it. it is the only time where i grieve you in a

way that would let you back in should you ask. this is the only time

the only feeling i have towards you is sadness, and the anger stays

at home. the hatred does not leave its bed.

i love you, here. only here. there are moments where i am sucked

into a portal. i feel you, if only for a moment. i do not shove those

moments away as quickly as i know i should. but i am not stupid. i

am not naïve. i know what happened. i know where i am now. and

i do not yearn for you, not in that way.

you could have been the love of my life. i allow myself to sit on

that when i am here. i allow myself to think about what it would be

like if you had not crumpled me like paper and tossed me aside so

many times. i think about where we would be if i had kept letting

you. if maybe you would have finally pulled me from the trash and

flattened me out, never to ruin me again. if maybe, just maybe, i

would have forgiven you.

missing you comes in waves. this was the place that held

everything that brought us together. it is now the place that holds

everything that destroyed us. you could have been the love of my

life. you could have held my hand on glass elevators for the next