so i think, what this poem is trying to say, is—

there is no way we could’ve done this differently.

there is no way we could’ve done this in a way

that would’ve actually given us

a chance.

I LONG FOR THE DAY

WHEN YOUR NAME

IS JUST A NAME

AND OUR LOVE

IS JUST A STORY

I CAN TELL WITH A SMILE

OVER DINNER

i still do not believe

you know

how to love someone.

but for her sake,

i hope you are

starting to

figure it out.

forgiveness feels like a double standard

years later and i still

haven’t figured out

how to wrap my hands

around my own heart

and accept its mistakes.

i still don’t know how

to trust myself.

funny how easy it is

for me to forgive you

for being a storm,

and how hard it is

for me to forgive myself

for loving you through the rain.

there is no poetic way

to say this.

i want to be the one

that haunts you.

i want to be

your biggest regret.

some facts about forgetting

1. i still have moments where i see something

and think of what you’d say about it.

i am almost positive that i am always right.

i still know you—or at least, the version of you

that i once held—that well.

2. sometimes, when you waltz into a dream,

it feels like i am waking up for the first time

in months. as if i have been in the dark all along.

3. i still feel like i am coming home

when i see your face. i don’t know

how to get that habit to break.

4. i don’t think i want to forget, not entirely.

if somebody handed me a pill

that would wipe the memory of us

out of my mind entirely, i don’t think i would

choose to swallow it.

5. there’s not a rational part of me

that still loves you, but i think my fingertips

still do. they reach in your direction

whenever we find ourselves in the same room.

6. i miss you some days, and i am not afraid

to admit it to myself. it’s not the end of the world,

anymore. it’s not me being weak. it’s less but somehow

more, now, because i know. it’s coming.

7. one day i’ll see something you would’ve

found funny and i won’t even know it.

i won’t even laugh in your place.

THESE ARE THE THINGS WE DON’T TALK ABOUT

after caitlin conlon

the moment our hands touched / how i knew you were bad for me

from the start / the way i ignored it / how i know you’re reading

this / and i’m okay with it / the fact that i’m sorry / for this / for

the way i have to remember you / this is for my own sake / how i

never put myself first when it came to you / so now doing that feels