even just a little bit,

everything came into focus.

the shadows lifted.

when i looked into your eyes,

i finally saw the reality of what

you had become.

where i used to see longing,

i saw greed.

where i used to see kindness,

i saw cruelty.

and where i used to see love,

i saw ownership.

i could not recognize a toxic lover yet,

but i could recognize a toxic friend.

when your hold on me faltered,

so did your mask.

and once it slipped,

there was no way for you

to put it back on.

i was used to crumbs,

because that was all i got from you,

and i always accepted them with a smile.

but the second i stopped giving you everything,

i might as well have given you nothing at all.

only one of us knew what being starved of love

really felt like.

but from the way you acted

nobody would’ve thought it was me.

WHAT HITS ME AT 2 AM:

you could miss me

and i’ll never know it.

after you wished me happy birthday on facebook

sometimes i wish

i was more like

the person i’ve become

in my poetry.

in my poems,

i am so much angrier

with you than i could

ever be in person.

i hold you hostage

with my words

and make you listen.

in my poems,

i am wounded

but i stand tall

when i see you

and i don’t let

you talk down to me.

i walk away.

i am unafraid.

but the person

in my poems

is a dream.

in reality

i still smile kindly

at you.

i am compliant

and quiet

and never make

too much noise

in your direction.

i don’t tell you

to leave me alone.

i don’t demand

an apology

or an explanation.

i receive your birthday wishes

with a soft smile

and write out a sweet thank-you.

i laugh with you

and ignore the way it makes

my skin feel.

so i guess the reason

i am so angry in my poems

is because for me,

there really is no other

place to put it.

certainly not

in your hands.

envy

if you don’t miss me anymore

i don’t think i can blame you.

truth is,

i’m just jealous the dull pulse of memory

came for you before it did me.

as if it ever really hurt you in the first place.

as if you ever deserved peace more than me.

misdirection

this is a poem in which i list all the ways

you could have left me

or i could have left you

that wouldn’t have been so ruinous,

a poem where i name all the possibilities and what-ifs

of our entire relationship

and torture myself by remembering every step

it took to get to this one.

somehow, all of these are connected.

1. you grab my hand,

but i am a good person that day.