17.i still can’t believe i managed to walk away from you. it’s the bravest thing i’ve ever done. maybe the most painful, too. but it was right. i was right.

18.i don’t think you meant to. i mean, sometimes i do. but at this time, i don’t think you meant to.

19.see that? i’ll always jump to excuses first. especially for you. almost always for you.

20.i will probably never tell you how i feel. i will never give you any of the honesty found here. i am too kind. i care too much. you still matter to me and i fucking hate it but i will never find that cruelty. you first, as it was. as it will be.

21.i bite my nails until they bleed sometimes. i don’t mind the pain. i think that’s kind of how our love worked.

this is a confession

sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you

because i want to talk to you

and i can’t—won’t—do that here

so dreams are my best bet

in my mind

you’re so much kinder

so much softer

and you still love me

in a way that makes sense

so sometimes i fall asleep

and open my eyes to find you

smiling at me

and i take your hand

and tell you all the things

i wish i could say:

what my day is like now

where i’ve been since i last saw you

the songs i’ve found that i think you’d like

i tell you that there are days

where i still miss you

days where shitty things happen

and i need you because

you always knew exactly what to say

i tell you that i’m sorry too

even if it doesn’t feel like i have

anything to apologize for

i’m still sorry

i tell you that i think about how different it would be

if i just hadn’t fallen in love with you or

how different it would be

if you hadn’t taken my love

and run right off a bridge with it

sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you

so that in my dreams i won’t have lost

a best friend and then i wake up

and cry about it because

i feel ashamed to even want

to talk to you at all

when i have such beautiful people

in my life who are so much

better to me than you were

it’s been years but i’ve still got

shit to figure out clearly so

i still cry about you

and i still miss you

and i try not to feel

like a bad person because of it

even though there are times

when i wonder if maybe

you were the love of my life

and everything after

is just trying to fill your shoes but

just because someone left

the biggest wound

that you are still trying to sew shut

just because it keeps reopening

and snapping all the stitches

just because you may let it bleed a little bit

sometimes until it makes you