relocate

i’m moving on,

you know,

packing up photos

and silverware

into cardboard boxes

and walking out the door.

he has a place,

and it’ll cost less of me

to stay there,

so i unpack my things

and put my clothes

away in the wooden dresser,

but i can’t walk to the bathroom

in the middle of the night

without stubbing my toe

on the corner because

i keep forgetting it’s there,

i don’t know where

he keeps the china

for when company comes over.

i guess you could say

that i feel a little more whole,

but,

there’s a part of you

that still feels

like home.

here’s a confession:

i know that if you walked through the door and told me you still

loved me a part of me would break away and fall into your arms

/ i know that i would say no but it would sound awfully strange

coming out of my mouth / because i never said no even in the end

/ i always said later / maybe / not right now / but never no / never

this is over / i let us fizzle out / let us grow stale like forgotten food

in the pantry / i let us wilt until it was too late for water to save

us and then i said good / finally i’m free / i dug us up and tossed

us into the trash but i left some roots behind so / if you walked

through the door today and told me sorry / i love you / let’s try

again / the pieces of me you broke that i spent so long putting back

together would fall like broken glass into your hands / because this

is the sad truth / i don’t know how to exist in this life and not love

you / even just a little / even only in my dreams / i don’t know how

to look at you and not feel a single thing / even if it’s just sadness

/ or a little regret / or anger / so maybe what i’m trying to say is

/ please come back / if only so i can tell you no / if only so i can

learn how to exist on my own

i had nothing to feel bad about (and you knew it)

i beat myself up over the possibility that i hurt you for months.

i looked at the new boy holding my hand and when the love

swelled up inside of me, the guilt was right there with it, keeping it

company. it took me too long to love him without being afraid.

when i found out about her, the lie you’d kept neatly tucked away,

i felt so foolish. i was furious with myself before i was furious with

you and that just made me angrier—the fact that even still, it was

me who bore the brunt of it, even when i didn’t deserve it.