open and fester and i ignored it. for a year. if i had tended to it

sooner then maybe i wouldn’t be here right now, writing this. but i

am. that’s my fault. i know it is. but he broke me badly enough that

i couldn’t even face it at first—how much damage do you think

there has to be to cause that? but that’s what happened. and that’s

his fault.

why did you ignore it?

the answer is simple. it’s always been simple.

he was supposed to be my soul mate. i thought he was the one. i

put my whole being into just the idea of us. it took everything to

convince me it wasn’t a good one. i had never let anybody treat me

like that. before him, nobody got away with what he did. nobody

got away with even a mere fraction of it. but he got away with

everything. i tried to hold him accountable but it never meant a

thing.

he was supposed to be my soul mate. i thought he was the one. the

lie was easier to stomach than the truth, until one day, it wasn’t.

when did you stop ignoring it?

the answer isn’t simple. it’s never been simple.

i can’t remember when it hit me. maybe it was after i saw him for

the first time in months and he apologized. maybe it was before

that when he gaslighted me into oblivion. maybe it was when i

found out about her. i can’t remember when, but i remember how

it felt. it felt like drowning and coming up for air all at once.

on the one hand, i was relieved. i felt like a weight had been lifted

from my shoulders. it finally clicked that it wasn’t really my fault,

that maybe i’d had my part but i was not the reason we fell apart.

but on the other hand, i felt like i was being broken all over again.

it wasn’t my fault but it still happened, and in some ways that made

it worse. because if it had been up to me, we would have made it.

if it had been up to me, then at the very least we could have been

able to fall apart with a little bit more grace.

do you think it will ever completely stop hurting?

the answer is simple. it’s always been simple.

no.

for a while,

i found the possibility of another chance

comforting.

that was back when i still believed in us.

i still saw you in my future.

i didn’t know how we got from where we were

to our happily ever after,

but i believed it would happen.

and that should’ve told me all i needed to know.

the reason i had no clue

how we’d get there was because

it wasn’t possible.

i always wondered if

there was a universe

where we got it right.

but then i realized…

what if getting it right

is this?