Mark said there was a motorbike rider in America that he liked whose name was Delaney and would it be alright if he picked Delaney, and the lady said, ‘Okay, Marcel Delaney,’ and he said, ‘No, I get called Mark, so I want to be Mark on the forms too, or does that cost more?’ And she said it didn’t cost more.

She said, ‘I’ll get the form, you fill it out, you pay the fee, and you’re away.’ So we did that, and then she looked at me and said, ‘Are we doing you at the same time?’ I didn’t know what she meant, so she said, ‘You’re his wife, aren’t you? You’re a Fried Guts too?’

Mark said, ‘No way am I ever getting married. What’s marriage, just a piece of paper.’

The lady said fine, but I said, ‘I want to have the same name as you,’ and he said, ‘Well, change yours too, if you want.’

I looked at the lady behind the counter and said, ‘Can I do that? Can I be a Delaney too?’

She said, ‘You can be Humpty Dumpty if you want.’

So I said, ‘Okay, give me the same forms.’ And I filled them out and that was that: I was Snow Delaney. And I remember we left Births, Deaths and Marriages, and as soon as we got back to Mrs Bannerman’s I got on the phone to tell Dad. I said, ‘I’ve got news, I’m not an Olarenshaw any more!’

He said, ‘Don’t tell me you married that Mark bloke,’ or something like that, because it’s no secret that Dad didn’t much approve of Mark, although how he came to any conclusion about him I don’t know since they hardly even saw each other. But anyway, I said, ‘No, no, Mark doesn’t believe in marriage, but now we’ve got the same name so it’s nearly as good!’ I could tell he didn’t see it that way, though.

Anyway, that’s when Dad said, ‘Well, we’ve got news too, Snow,’ and I remember thinking, ‘Who is this “we” he’s going on about?’ And then he said, ‘Your mum and me, we’ve gotten back together.’

I was that shocked I nearly dropped the phone. Straightaway I smelled a rat because Mum hadn’t paid the slightest bit of attention to Dad for twenty years and now they were back together? I said, ‘So what brought this on?’ And that’s when he just cracked up crying, saying, ‘Your mum’s got cancer, Snow, she’s come back because she needs me.’ I wanted to know what had happened to Mr Cooper, but apparently he ran off as soon as he got the news that one of Mum’s boobs was going to have to come off, so with no shame at all my mother had got on the phone to Dad and said, ‘You have to come back, I need you.’

I don’t have to tell you how I felt about it. I said to Dad, ‘So, let me get this straight: she turfed you out, moved another bloke in, and then when she calls you in a crisis and says, oh, please help me, you run straight over there?’ And do you know what he told me, Jack? He said, ‘What can I tell you, Snow? Your mother is the love of my life.’