WOMAN: Riggs who?

MAN: Riggs the wimp. You don’t have to worry about Riggs. Just—that’s who you’re up against. There’s Riggs, and Northup. And Toast.

WOMAN: Toast.

MAN: Jack Toast. It’s an unusual name but it’s not unheard of.

WOMAN: Who’s Jack Toast?

MAN: Toast?…I’m—me. That’s—

WOMAN: Toast.

TOAST: I thought you knew the lineup.

Pause.

WOMAN: Are you sure you have the right—

TOAST: I’m not sure. I just guessed. Are you Katherine Wendell?

WOMAN: Kate.

TOAST: John Toast.

They shake hands.

KATE: Well. (Pause.) Well. If I’ve met one-third of the team, I guess I should feel about thirty-three percent less nervous. (She fumbles her cup but manages not to spill.)

TOAST: I’m not a worry. I’d be a tiger in any investigation, but this isn’t my investigation. I’m only monitoring.

KATE: Investigation?

TOAST: Interview.

KATE: Well, which is it? I was told—

TOAST: Interview. It’s an interview.

KATE: Well, why did you say—

TOAST: Generally I do conduct investigations. But in this case that is not the case.

KATE: Well—

TOAST: I’m monitoring an interview.

KATE: Well, John—

TOAST: Jack.

KATE:—Jack, John—what’s the difference?

TOAST: I prefer Jack.

KATE: Mr. Toast… What is the difference…between an interview and an investigation.

Pause.

TOAST (after some thought): An “investigation” might consist of a series of interviews. But an interview would be unique. Unrepeatable. An “investigation” would seek facts to be submitted in a report. An interview would seek an interchange to be reported in a memo. An “investigation” is terrifying. An interview—

KATE: Isn’t? Then why am I terrified?

TOAST: You’ve got the jitters. Six pots of coffee—

KATE: Why are you monitoring—

TOAST: Well, that’s what I do.

KATE: I thought you conducted—

TOAST: I do. I am an investigator. In this case the monitoring process is part of a larger inquiry.

KATE: An inquiry? Now that’s terrifying.

TOAST: Yes. (Pause.) It’s the most terrifying thing in our business. But not for you.

KATE: No?

TOAST: Not in this case, because the inquiry isn’t about you. It only has to do with your District…Look. Whenever your District has initiated a process to result in termination, inevitably that process—

KATE: Am I being terminated?

TOAST (amused): Uh. Wait a minute. Let’s back up!

KATE:—Because I thought I was just gonna go in there, it takes about thirty minutes, describe the circumstances, her actions, Marigold Cassandra—I brought my notes—

TOAST: Hey—(Mollifying gestures.)

KATE: I didn’t bring any notes about me.

TOAST: I can see how you might—

KATE: I really came to see the opera! This was just—

TOAST: Wait a second. All the way back—

KATE: Madame Butterfly! And now I’m being—

TOAST: Kate—

KATE: Oh!…You’re firing her. They, I mean, the District. Not you.

TOAST: Let’s back up. (Pause.) You came in. You looked around. I looked like whatsis—

KATE: The Siberian Shaman.

TOAST:—Jenks. Bill.

KATE: I do have the jitters. I’m sorry.

TOAST: We said hi: “Hi!” “Hi!” And here we are on the espresso express in a room full of Germans.