“I do.” She nods.

“And I do too!” exclaims Mum, who has definitely had too much champagne. “Of course Elinor’s part of the family.” She leaps to her feet and brandishes her confetti. “I, Jane Bloomwood, vow to honor and respect my son-in-law’s mother, Elinor. And my wonderful neighbor Janice.” She turns to Janice with tears in her eyes. “Janice, where would I be without you? You’re always there for me. In sickness and in health…when my ankle broke…that time the lights fused and you came to our rescue—”

“OK, we need to move on, folks.” Elvis is glancing at his watch. “Uh-huh-huh.” He turns to Suze. “Say after me, ‘I will not step on your blue suede shoes.’ ”

But Suze doesn’t even hear him. She’s too riveted by Mum and Janice.

“Oh, love,” says Janice, looking flustered. “Anyone would have done the same.”

“You gave us your shepherd’s pie, Janice! Your shepherd’s pie!”

“You said we weren’t doing vows.” Dad tugs at Mum’s dress.

“We’re not!” retorts Mum.

“Yes, you are! You’re making vows all over the bloody place!” he says hotly. “So I’m going to make one too.” Dad stands up and turns to face Mum. “I, Graham, swear never to leave you again, my darling Jane. Never.” He grabs Mum and holds her tight. “Never.”

“Enough!” Elvis definitely sounds tetchy. “Folks, you can’t all be making vows. You didn’t pay for this.”

“And I vow always to trust you,” says Mum to Dad, her voice quivering. “And I don’t care where your Big Bonus comes from—I’m proud of you.”

“No more vows!” Elvis practically yells, and at once Danny stands up, a wicked look in his eye.

“I have a vow,” he says brightly. “Elinor, I vow to make you a mind-blowing new wardrobe, if you’ll vow to wear me at the Met Ball.”

“By the power vested in me—” Elvis tries again.

“Sunglasses?” says Minnie, approaching Elvis. She offers him Janice’s white sunglasses, while pointing lovingly at his own spangly shades. “Like sunglasses? Pleeeease?”

“Jesus H. Christ!” Elvis erupts. “By the power vested in me by this chapel, I pronounce you committed to one another.” He sweeps a hand round. “All of you. You deserve each other. Fruit loops. Uh-huh-huh.”

EIGHTEEN

Well, if nothing else, our costumes are awesome. Absolutely awesome.

Danny has dressed Luke, Dad, and Tarquin in amazing suits with broad silk ties and sheeny shirts that they would never normally have picked out, in shades of mauve and beige. When he was all dressed up, Luke looked at his reflection in horror and said, “I look like an off-duty gangster,” like that was a bad thing. Honestly, has he actually seen Ocean’s Eleven?

Suze and Elinor are looking super-glam. Elinor, in particular, is wearing thousands of dollars’ worth of high-end clothes, just to reinforce the point that she’s a Major Player, whereas Suze is in a bouclé dress with pearls, because she’s playing Titled Nobility. (She didn’t want to be Titled Nobility. She wanted to be the Amazing Yen, squish herself up in a food trolley, and do a backflip. But, like I keep telling her, there is no Amazing Yen in Becky’s Eleven.)