I left with a manufacturer’s sample of Réveil. As I passed through the university campus I sprayed it on my left forearm. The opening burst did smell like toothpaste. As I sniffed my skin, an image of a man standing in front of a cracked bathroom sink entered my mind. I could see him brushing his teeth, rinsing his mouth with a swig of water from the tap and then spitting into the basin. The foaming mixture of paste and food particles swirled in the tepid water, forming a rim that stuck to the stained porcelain. The man, who must be in his early sixties, wiped his mouth with a frayed white towel, then took a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and lit up. That’s the perfume I saw when I smelt my arm. In a desperate attempt to rid my mind of the bathroom image I summoned up the glossy sales visual created by the company, and a familiar battle began. Toothpaste man, naked beauty. Stained and cracked sink, jungle and exotic violet juice. Me, the middle-aged woman in high-waisted jeans versus the naked forest nymph with the piercing eyes. Reality and fantasy.

I was almost through the university complex before I realised I’d passed my old building without noticing. As I headed out through the corner of the car park I glimpsed Renate in the distance. She hadn’t seen me, and it took a moment for me to decide what to do. My first impulse was to hurry away without stopping but instead I summoned up my strength and walked towards her, wiping my arm with the cuff of my jersey in an attempt to scrub off the overbearing smell that was bonded to my skin.

‘Renate!’

She stopped, turned and saw me and, to my relief, smiled. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked. ‘Are you working again?’

We hugged and I noticed how small she was in my arms. ‘I’m on my way to the pharmacy,’ I replied. ‘What about you?’

‘I’m meeting Hester and then I’m taking her down to the cabin for a few days. I should have called you.’

‘If anyone should have called it was me.’

‘We’re taking his ashes,’ she continued. ‘Some of them, not all. I’m spreading him out – half in New York where we met and half here where we lived. I think he’d like that.’

I nodded. ‘It’s a beautiful place, your garden …’

‘Yes, it is. Hester wants to plant a kauri but we don’t really know what we’re doing beyond that. Archer and I were never very good at ceremonies, we didn’t like the fuss.’

Her lips began to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. She pulled herself straighter, willing herself to stand tall.

‘I’m so sorry, Renate. I should have phoned you. I wanted to tell you something about the car but I didn’t know where to start.’

Renate made a gulping sound and her whole body quivered.