I can’t recollect what I said to Thora when I handed her the perfume. I know she was very reluctant to accept my gift because she felt it was too valuable, too precious, and I had to work hard to convince her to take the bottle. I remember that I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest and that I could smell her L’Eau d’Issey, and that I took an unexpected, sudden dislike to the perfume that has stayed with me ever since. I recall the hollow, sickening sense of loss that gripped me as I comprehended the irrevocability of what I had done. More than anything, I remember how empty my pocket felt on the slow walk home.

Notes of introversion, lost friendship and regret: petrichor, boronia, ambrette, frankincense and gunk.

I stayed on at the art museum until Charles retired and then, feeling restless one day, I gave in my notice and bought a ticket to Australia. When I eventually returned, I discovered the art world had moved on without me. I took whatever part-time and contract work I could find, but my professional profile never really recovered and with every passing month I became more and more tainted by failure. With little money to my name, I had to move back home to Christchurch and, until my father’s death, I was largely dependent on my parents for support. I suppose that returning to university to begin a PhD in American literature, focusing on Louisiana women writers, was part of a last-ditch attempt to save face and restore my self-esteem.

Not long after finishing my doctorate I moved to Auckland to take up employment in the American studies department at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. For more than thirteen years life was good, but then one day a cold dread began to seep through my world, sapping all the light from my day.

It started when rumours of humanities department closures took on a more threatening aspect, with talks of reviews and restructuring. The vice-chancellor, known by many as the Ice Chancellor, issued press releases hinting that sluggish university departments would be revitalised and strategies would be implemented to grow the campus. ‘We see this as a positive step for the future of the university,’ she said on radio and television. ‘We have the chance to embrace an exciting new business model. Staff have already been asked for input and we are here to listen …’ Photographs of the VC in front of the new ‘gateway’ to the campus, a large stone monument, made the local front page.