I picked up one of the items with what we’d assumed was a touchscreen and poked at it. “No reaction from the touchscreen. We might not have the same capacitance as a Bigfoot, so it doesn’t register my touch.”

“That just leaves the communicator and ray gun,” Patrick said.

Nat nodded absently. “Assuming your guesses are correct.”

“Even if they are, we really don’t know what the ray gun will do,” I replied.

“Maybe it shoots out men named Ray.”

I gave Nat my best long-suffering look. “Well, when I’m playing with the ray gun, I’m going to point it away from anyone.”

“That’d be nice.”

I pointed the device in a random direction and pressed the shower button. There was a slight vibration but no other effect. I looked at the buttons again. “I’m going to try purple, then red. The interlock on the red setting makes me nervous. Maybe you guys should stand back.”

“What, you’re suddenly worried about a self-destruct after that pretty speech earlier? Jeez, Jack.”

“Okay then. It’s your funeral. And mine.” I set the device to purple and pressed the shower button, once again to no effect.

I then moved the slider to red, working it around the double-latch. This time when I pressed the button, the vegetation in front of me wilted, turned brown, and started to melt, or maybe leak fluid. “Holy shit! Ray gun verified.” I moved the slider back to blue. “And red means dead. Let’s not play with this one.”

Patrick, staring at the circle of now-putrefying grass, said, “Uh-huh. Let’s not.”

I carefully returned the ray gun to my backpack, along with all the other items except the communicator. I held it up. “Last chance.”

No one chose to comment, so I pressed the V button. The small display screen lit up with more alien text, and there was a small beep. I waited a few seconds, then pressed the I button. “Well, that was a bust.”

“Why didn’t you speak into it?” Nat asked.

“Do we really want to announce our presence?” I asked. “What if something answered? What are we supposed to say?”

“Good afternoon, sir or madam,” Nat replied with an evil grin. “Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and savior, Cthulhu?”

Patrick chuckled. “Sure, let’s do that.”

I looked at the alien device, a sense of helpless rage overwhelming me. “Well, this is just wonderful beyond belief. We have an alien spaceship, but we can’t open it up. We have a bunch of alien devices, but we can’t make them do anything.”

“Except the ray gun,” Patrick said.

I looked up to heaven. As usual, no response. “I need a drink.”