“It’s the best one I’ve got.”

“Okay, what if you were honest with them, told them about the dreams? I’m sure anyone in that group would understand since it’s not an uncommon occurrence after a trauma.”

I’m sure that’s true, and I don’t think that anyone in that group would ever judge me for it. “I’ve already exposed my weakness with speaking, I’d like to hope that maybe my dreams won’t be so bad.”

“Have they lessened at all?”

I release a heavy sigh. “In some ways. I’m not waking up each night in a cold sweat. Last night, I know I dreamed it, but I don’t remember the panic.”

She smiles, hope alighting her face. “That’s wonderful. That’s a good sign.”

“I still felt it.”

“But not to the extent you had before, this is a good thing. By facing it, you were able to start to deal with the panic, which is why I keep pushing you on other things. Look, you could be completely over Grayson and it was some small part of your subconscious playing tricks on you or you have regrets. Only you know which one it is. However, the one thing I won’t let you do is lie to yourself about how you feel, and until you face it and really dig deep, you can’t answer honestly.”

I flop back, feeling a million things at once. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to care or love or miss him. “We’re not the same people, and the boy I loved is gone.”

I turn my head to look at her. “No, and the girl he loved isn’t the same either. That doesn’t mean you still don’t have feelings. Considering the fact that he’s come up a lot in here as well as in your dream journal, I think it’s something you’re going to have to think about.”

She’s right. I know she’s right. When I see him, when I am near him, it’s as if something inside me is clawing its way out. Grayson is that one guy for me. He’s the person I made these plans, dreams, and hopes with. He was more than just my first love, at least I thought he was, but fear became something so much stronger than love.

“Grayson scares me,” I tell her. “My heart has always been his. I never was able to give my heart to someone else because they weren’t as good as him. I was so . . . sad when I ended things.”

“Then why did you end things?”

I sit here, trying to make sure that the words don’t jumble in my head. “Because losing him on my terms was better than losing him any other way.”