I’ve been seeing Dr. Washburne—the same therapist I used to see pre-Fracture, who was understandably surprised to find me alive and back on his roster of patients—since I returned. He’s helped me understand that flare-ups and changes in my obsessive fears are normal. We’re working through some more exposure and response prevention therapy and it’s helped me gain a lot of ground as well as a better understanding of myself and my OCD. It’ll be a while before I’m okay, and maybe I’ll never completely get there … but at the very least, I’m starting to be okay with not being okay. That’s new, and actually kind of wonderful.

I step over the threshold. I tap the doorway, but only once on either side. One: an okay number, but not nearly as safe as three or five. Anxiety stirs in my gut and I let it exist.

My palm twinges. I glance down at it—at the darkness that still hurts sometimes, at the injury that will never completely heal. But that’s okay. I’m learning to accept what I have. I’m learning to accept the middle ground:

An imperfect recovery.

A life that’s streaked with shadows—but still brilliant.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Although this book is a work of fiction, the obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that Marty grapples with is a very real—and often very isolating and scary—experience for many teens and adults. If his struggles resonate with you, please know that you are not alone.

For more information about OCD, you can visit intrusivethoughts.org or iocdf.org (the International OCD Foundation’s website). From 6 to 10 p.m. Pacific Time, teenagers can also call Teen Line at (800) TLC-TEEN ([800] 852-8336) to talk to teen volunteer listeners trained to provide support for those dealing with anxiety, depression, bullying, and a wide range of other issues.

For those who have or suspect they may have OCD, speaking with a trained mental health professional is also highly recommended, if circumstances allow.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thank you to my awesome agent, Naomi Davis, my fantastic editor, Lauren Knowles, my immensely talented designer, Rosie Stewart, and the whole team at Page Street. You all take such good care of me and my books, and I am so grateful for your hard work and investment.

Thank you to those who read drafts and/or helped me brainstorm elements of this story: Kira Watson, Sher-May Loh, Alicia Jasinski, Mark O’Brien, and Alyssa Chrisman. Thank you also to my lovely critique partners Chelsea Bobulski and Casey Lyall, whose encouragement has gotten me through so many hard times.

Thank you to Dr. Jonathan Grayson, author of Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, a book that served as an invaluable resource in my study of OCD. Thanks also to Andrea.