Sometimes it felt impossible to make peace with that kind of hurt. How could you, when the one who’d caused you pain was someone you’d loved all your life? I certainly hadn’t mastered how to hold both sides of those emotions when it came to Michael. Instead, I always seemed to seesaw back and forth between love and hate, fear and longing.

The longing was the worst. Because I wasn’t nostalgic for some moment in my past. It was a vicious yearning for something that had never existed. A family where I didn’t live every moment on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the monster to appear.

The more time I spent with Caelyn and her family, the more I saw what I’d missed. The casual ease with which they experienced everyday life. Sure, there were fights. I’d seen a knock-down-drag-out one between Mia and Ava when Mia had gotten some glitter paint on Ava’s drawing. But underneath it all was a love you could feel, and a shared empathy. Michael simply wasn’t capable of that.

I gave my head a little shake, bringing myself out of my musings and back to the conversation with E. She’d been there for me through so much, and I wanted to give her the same.

Phoenix26: Is there anything I can do? Want to talk it out? We can video chat.

Evergreen13: I appreciate it, I really do, but I need to wrap my head around some stuff before I talk about anything.

Phoenix26: I’m here whenever you’re ready.

Evergreen13: I know you are. Let’s talk soon.

We said our goodbyes, and I logged out of the chat. My fingers drummed against the counter as I took another sip of coffee. Days like today, I wished E was just a boat ride away so that we could have these conversations in person. Maybe then she’d be more likely to open up. I’d have to talk to her about considering a visit to Harbor. I was sure Brody would be fine with having a guest. Even if it meant our studio sessions would be restricted to just painting.

I smiled down into my mug. My skin hummed just thinking about it. Brody hadn’t even stirred when I’d left him in bed this morning. A late night leaving him dead to the world. But I couldn’t shake my early-bird routine. And the chickens would be making a fuss soon if I didn’t get going.