I hadn’t been before, but now I was. Duncan had beautiful lips. They were pale pink and looked so soft. I had no idea when I’d began such a study of them.

“Well, she should be thinking about it,” Charlotte said. “Better to know ahead of time whether there is hope for pleasure in their marriage. It isn’t always so.”

My mind suddenly took me back to the night I’d left West End. The wherry pitching and rolling in high waves. The horrible rain and wind. Sewel pinning me. Reaching under my shirt.

Tears flooded my eyes. It’d been such a long time since I’d remembered. I had no idea why it came to me now, but that was the thing about unwanted memories. They were surprise attackers. I drew a deep breath, willing it to go away.

“Do you think Liesje has chosen well with Devoor?” Lucy asked.

Charlotte sighed. “They are equally handsome and wealthy. He is from old Dutch stock like her. And she does seem quite in love now.”

She didn’t need to say the rest. We all knew things could change—and love wasn’t what we expected from marriage or even hoped for, anyhow. We wanted a companion. Someone reliable and respectable, who could provide. Someone we wouldn’t grow to loathe.

“To think tomorrow the die will be cast,” Lucy said. “Her future, all her life’s happiness, determined by the vow she’ll make. It frightens me—but how I wish for it, too.”

I felt a pinch in my throat. Kindhearted and pretty as Lucy was, she brought almost nothing to a marriage beyond herself. In our world, that wasn’t enough.

“I wish I could marry you, Lucy,” Charlotte said.

That gave us a good giggle, but it wasn’t the first time I’d wondered what Charlotte truly wanted. She could marry at any time, yet she hadn’t. She always seemed more interested in our lives than her own.

Lucy turned on her side. I could feel her stare on my face. “Tonight at dinner, Mrs. Sedgwick called marriage our ‘dark leap’ because we have no idea what awaits on the other side.”

I thought of Mama. She’d taken two dark leaps. One had led her to heartbreak, widowhood, and disgrace. The other had led her to harsh treatment and loneliness. And to death, I believed. I missed her so much right then, my chest felt like it was caving in.

I cleared my throat, finding my voice. “My mother used to tell me marriage was the ‘something more’ I was meant to find in life. It was the last thing she ever said to me.”

“Oh, Emmie,” Lucy said. “You have never told us about your mother.” She curled against my side.

To my surprise, so did Charlotte. “You have nothing to worry about, Emmie,” she said. “Duncan is beautiful, charming, wealthy, and well loved.”