STEPH Oh really? I can’t?

GREG No … I mean … no! Stop!! You always have that … God, there’s always like this sort of threatening tone in your voice when we fight … I haven’t been around you for however long, years now—barely, anyway—and I get that same feeling in my stomach the second you start in like this again … why is that?

STEPH Maybe because you feel like shit, like a guilty fucking asshole, maybe that’s why. (Beat.) I’m just guessing, but maybe.

GREG That’s not … for what? What for?

STEPH You tell me, Greg. You say it for once … instead of me always dragging it out of you with a team of fucking Clydesdales!

GREG Oh please! (Beat.) I’ve got ice cream sandwiches in here, by the way …/ Just so you know!

STEPH Fuck that, asshole! / Just be a man once!!

GREG This is ridiculous! It’s … so …

STEPH Yeah it is, Greg, the whole situation is ridiculous … the fact that you guys have never said anything to me is ridiculous! It’s pretty fucking amazing, when I think about it for even two seconds at a time!

GREG What?! I just … I mean … why?!

STEPH Because Carly’s my friend, Greg, one of my very best friends from my life, or so I thought up until about two days ago …

GREG You’re … this doesn’t have anything to do with that./ Seriously. It’s …

STEPH Oh, really?/ It doesn’t?

GREG No! Who says you can’t be friends?!

STEPH You! You sleeping in her bed at night …/ That puts a real fucking kink in the arc of our friendship!

GREG I am not sleeping in …/ We’re just …

STEPH Doesn’t matter!/ Does not!

GREG Does too!/ Yes, it does!

STEPH No it doesn’t!!

GREG AHHHHH! Yes, it does, Stephanie!! I’m not living with her, okay, so yes, that’s a completely different thing there. Let’s just be clear about that … we’re dating.

STEPH … you and your fucking words …

GREG I didn’t do this to hurt you! Jesus, it’s not like we, we, we … planned it.

STEPH She’s not taking my calls, Greg. She lets them go to voice mail and that’s a first. First time in our lives since I’ve known her to not pick up her phone when I call and it’s ’cause of you! Ok? YOU! (Beat.) I mean, fuck, I didn’t see this one coming!

GREG What’s it matter, Steph … I mean, really? Huh?! We found each other, long after you and Kent were ever in the picture and …

STEPH So what?!

GREG So … why is this a big deal?! You’re … married now!

STEPH …!!

GREG I just … I mean, aren’t you guys moving or something? That’s what I heard …

STEPH Maybe! We’re “maybe” moving … or getting transferred we think, but so what? That’s not the issue here … you’re the issue!

GREG I’m just saying!