One morning I saw two women standing beside someone lying on another bed. I guessed this person was dying, although that’s not what caught my attention: the two women had their eyes fixed on me. They stared at me the whole time they were there, scrutinizing me so hard that I thought their eyeballs might pop. They were probably trying to figure out who I was and couldn’t because of all the equipment around my bed.

The colors in the unit changed throughout the day. It was June, and in the mornings beautiful sunlight streamed in, illuminating the whole space with the assistance of the halogen lights that shined like marbles; in the evening there was only artificial lighting. Some of the bulbs were rectangular and glowed, other smaller LEDs emitted a very pure white light. They were all switched on whenever there was an emergency, which wasn’t an unusual occurrence. At night the lighting was left very low to encourage tranquility and sleep.

I was obsessed with the colors. White and green were the predominant hues, particularly the almost apple green of the nurses’ and aides’ uniforms. There were also blue uniforms, and face masks that slowly turned gray with use. Even the noise of the machines had a color. They sometimes started up without warning, and that frightened me.

My mood was constantly swinging. I still didn’t know what had happened. How long had I been in that hospital? At times I felt like crying, but that was impossible. I’d gone for over twelve months without shedding tears, when normally anything would set me off.

One day a nurse handed me a strange piece of equipment with three round balls in a container with narrow compartments that connected to a mouthpiece. The young man said I had to blow hard to make the balls rise in their compartments. I didn’t blow hard enough, I’d forgotten how. And anyway, I didn’t understand why he wanted me to do it.

Early one morning I saw a dark liquid coming from the tube in my mouth. I was startled and signaled to one of the aides. I don’t remember what explanation I was given.

The most beautiful sensation I had was when I saw my daughter arriving, calling, “Mom, they’ve taken it out!” She was radiant with joy and hope, her eyes were shining brightly and, even though I was still lying flat on my back, I understood that I would eventually leave that bed.

Gums

GUMS