‘That ain’t the point, Roy.’ Vinny drank his Scotch in one fell swoop. ‘Dad ain’t only making a fool of Mum parading his fancy piece around Upton Park and East Ham; he’s making a mug of us an’ all. Everyone knows how much we love Mum, so why are we letting that happen? I’m going to find Dad now. This needs to be dealt with immediately. No way is he seeing that Maureen again. If the old man needs to get his leg over in future, best he goes outside the area and shags brasses like I fucking do.’

‘Queenie! The kitchen really isn’t up to your usual standard. Who cleaned it? You or your sister?’ screamed Pearl.

Queenie winked at Viv. ‘I’ll go over it again now, Mrs Huntingdon-Brown. We both cleaned it, but the house looks so dirty today, we thought we’d better get cracking on your other rooms, seeing as you have guests coming.’

‘Dirty! What do you mean by dirty? My house is always clean. I don’t live in the slums you pair come from.’

‘Right, that’s it,’ Queenie said quietly. She threw her feather duster down and gestured to Viv. ‘That’s the vase – supposedly it cost thousands. Wait until I shout out to you, then you drop it on the fireplace and smash the bastard. In the meantime, I’m going back to the kitchen to do even more damage. I’ve already spat in Mother’s favourite sherry trifle for an extra treat.’

As her sister left the room, Viv held her sides. Today had been so funny, she ached from laughing.

Knowing all his father’s haunts via the grapevine, Vinny finally caught up with him in The Artichoke in Stepney. His dad was doing his usual Friday lunchtime thing, selling fags and tobacco to earn his beer money, the loser.

Albie was at the bar supping a pint when his eldest son tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Me and you, outside now,’ were Vinny’s exact words.

Thoroughly embarrassed, Albie excused himself from the men he was talking to and warily trotted outside. He had a feeling he’d done something wrong, as not only did Vinny have a face like thunder; he never usually bothered with him these days. Albie could not even remember the last time they’d had a proper conversation. ‘You all right, boy?’

Vinny grabbed hold of his father and slammed him as hard as he could against the pub’s brick wall. ‘You and Maureen are over, under fucking stand? Because if any more of my mates see you out with that slapper, I will not only kill her, I will fucking kill her kids an’ all. You don’t mug me off like that, nor my brothers, and especially our mum. You are a useless piece of shit, you always have been. No father of mine, you ain’t. But I’m lumbered with ya, aren’t I? So in future, you do as I say, OK? If you need to get any action for that shrivelled up old cock of yours, you go out the area and go to a brass. You never disrespect my name again.’