“No. I wanted them. And it wasn’t as if I didn’t do my husbandly duty by her. I just never got a child on her.” The corners of his eyes lifted at the mention of his wife, then fell when he seemed to remember how long ago and unalterable the past was. “She killed herself, after I turned her.

“That’s why I didn’t want to fall back into this life. This was supposed to be my second chance.”

The similarity between his words and Nathan’s was jarring.

“It still can be,” I insisted, but I wasn’t speaking only to him. “You can have anything you want. You just have to get through this.”

“The ritual Bella mentioned, it made me think…” His words died on his lips. “It was a foolish thought.”

“Tell me.” I liked the human Cyrus, and I wanted to encourage him. Maybe it was a comparison exercise. If he could survive all this, I could survive what lay ahead of me. Stranger things had happened.

“If making peace is all Nathan has to do to be well, maybe I should look into it myself.” Cyrus laughed. “But, no. I have too much to atone for.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try.” If anything, it would steer him away from another fall. Despite his pretty words of apology and lament, he was still dangerously unstable. He might want to make amends, but he’d likely fall to evil again like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. As long as he was making a conscious effort to avoid his old ways, I would sleep easier during the day.

“I suppose you’re right.” He smiled, an expression meant more for himself than for me, and ran a hand through his hair. “Or maybe I’m agreeing out of exhaustion.”

I rose and made a sweeping gesture of invitation toward the bed. “Please, make yourself at home. I’m going to sit up with Nathan.”

As I turned to leave the room, Cyrus caught my wrist. I let him pull me in. Hooking his normal, human fingers, which seemed so out of place on him under my chin, he tilted my face up. “I wasn’t using you.”

“I know.” I rose on tiptoe and kissed him chastely on the side of the mouth, the way an old friend would.

It wouldn’t hurt to let him believe that of himself, that he hadn’t merely used me to satisfy some need. But as I sat beside Nathan’s sleeping form through the long night, I knew why Cyrus and I had done what we’d done.

We were lonely, and we were punishing ourselves for it.

Chapter 25
The Heart’s Filthy Lesson