We link arms and stand on the deck as directed, and he photographs us with the trees and a sliver of ocean in the background, the clear blue sky the perfect backdrop. Every click of the shutter brings back memories, both painful and sweet, and I have to really concentrate to stop myself from crying. This isn’t how I imagined this day going at all, but then that’s to be expected, surely, because this day was never going to be anything but different.

Finally, he finishes. I am so nervous as we make our way across the lawn and down the path toward the trees. Mum and Dad are waiting there for me. I made the decision to have them both walk me down the aisle.

When my father sees me he takes a sharp breath in and slaps a hand to his chest. “Oh…Ava. Look…at…you. My little girl…is all grown up.” He sniffs loudly and pinches the end of his nose.

“Don’t you start crying,” Mum warns him sharply. “You’ll set me off.”

“I can’t help it. She looks so beautiful.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Mum agrees.

They both look me up and down with muted expressions. It is hard to know what is going through their minds, but I can hazard a guess. This is not the future they planned, when they first held me in their arms. I may not have had children of my own, but I can fathom the fierce love a parent must feel, and the anguish of knowing you only have so much control over the life of this child you have created. Some things you will be able to control, some things you won’t. Unfortunately, you don’t get to pick and choose.

“Are we doing this?” Dad asks. “I’ll be the proudest dad in the world to walk you down the aisle.”

He looks so vulnerable. I think about all the things he will miss out on. Grandchildren being the big one. He would have made an amazing grandfather, with his trite magic tricks that would nevertheless have enchanted them. I am going to give him this honor, to walk me down the aisle. It’s the least I can do. And, later, the father–daughter dance. My parents are being forced to endure the unendurable. It is not fair on them, just as it is not fair on me.

“OK.” Kate turns to me. “Wait here. We’ll go first, and then when you hear the music you follow. Are you sure you’re up for this?”

I nod.

She kisses me on the cheek, tears glistening in her eyes. “You look amazing. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She and Amanda disappear into the trees, down toward the beach. Steven follows to find himself the best vantage point from which to photograph my entrance. Alone, I can let my facade slip, but I don’t allow myself to cry. Without James in my life, it all seems meaningless. But I have to respect his decision and his reasons behind it. He’s not a bad person, I know that much. And he loved me, I know that just as sure as I know the grass is green and springy under my feet, the sky blue overhead. He loved me. So it wasn’t an easy decision for him. I know that, and the knowledge should bring me comfort. It doesn’t, but it should.