“And it’s not like you’ve been chowing down on people this whole time.” Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to stare at Toni. She shrugged, unrepentant. “If the scouts were just supposed to confirm that hey, this place can support life, they would have fallen, sprouted, had no one to teach them how to be whatever the hell you people are, eaten as many humans as they could get their vines on, and then died in a hail of gunfire. Instead, you were designed to sprout, infiltrate, and thrive. Almost every death I’ve documented among your number has been a consequence of allergic shock.”

“Makes sense,” said Graham. “Even on this planet, you run into issues with people from one continent not being able to eat fruit from another continent, or developing a nasty intolerance to unfamiliar foods after one or two exposures. Allergies should be a serious concern when you’re talking about interstellar differences.”

“Cats,” I said abruptly. The rest of them turned to look at me. I shrugged, feeling suddenly awkward. “I was … We always had a cat when I was a kid. Then I went away to college, and I didn’t have a cat anymore, and when I went home for Christmas break, I had an allergic reaction to the cat. I had to reacclimatize after I graduated, before I could adopt Seymour.” My eyes widened. I stood, or tried to, anyway; I actually wobbled, nearly falling, before Graham could pull me back into a seated position. “If you’re all here, where is Seymour? Who’s feeding him?” My furry little asshole could starve to death two feet away from an open bag of cat food. If it wasn’t in his dish, it didn’t exist.

“Roxanna,” said Lucas.

Now it was my turn to stare at him. He squirmed. “I know you don’t like her, and she doesn’t like you either, but you know she would never let anything hurt him. She’ll stand in front of the invasion and demand it back off until he gets his Fancy Feast.”

Tahlia started laughing helplessly. I glanced her way. She wiped a tear away from the one eye that still looked halfway human, shaking her head. “Oh, how human we become, and how human we remain,” she said. “Will you worry about missing next season’s television? Or whether your library books verge on the overdue? We are at the cusp of a transformation. We begin to bloom. And all you care about is a cat.”

“Cats matter,” I said.

“For once, I agree with the salad bar,” said Toni. “Cats matter.”

Tahlia shook her head again, harder. “You may be proof that this invasion is doomed. Then again, you may be proof that we’ve already succeeded. I honestly don’t know. But I do know this: welcome home.”

She smiled. Hesitantly, I smiled back, and knew the world would never be the same again.

3.