“You could have told me! We could have gone to the school club together.” A vision of an alternate past danced in my brain, one where I could have kept my best friend, had him right there with me.

“No, we couldn’t have.”

Poof. My daydream evaporated under the weight of what had actually happened, who Milo really was.

“Of course not. You had the soccer team and—”

“The team being all over anyone who was…different was part of it. Not gonna lie. I was scared shitless simply from their teasing about you, and most of that had to do with how smart you were. I couldn’t stand the idea of them rejecting me next.”

“So, your fear of being bullied turned you into a bully?”

“I didn’t say I was proud of it, okay?” Milo’s voice was strained, and his skin was mottled, a weird mix of too pale and flushed. If we were ten again, I’d swear he was on the verge of tears. “But it wasn’t only the team and fear of being teased.”

“Oh?”

“It was my dad. All right?” Milo’s tone was defensive, but his words poked me like a spear nonetheless.

“I should have known.” And maybe I had, the way he’d always been so nervous around his dad and the way he’d been so crushed that his parents had heard I was gay.

“That night…after you and I argued, and I was a dumbass and let you walk away, I kind of mentioned at dinner that we’d fought. Not about what. But that we weren’t friends anymore. And Dad… He got this hard look. Like mean. And he said, ‘Good.’ And I knew right then that I couldn’t be gay.”

“But you were.”

“Yeah. And you were my best friend. But he was my dad.”

“I get it. I mean, you could have told me. But I see why you thought you couldn’t.” I didn’t like it, but I did see how messed-up fourteen-year-old Milo could make that calculation. After all, we were riding in a monument to Milo’s complicated relationship with his dad. He’d loved Milo. And he’d also been toxic as hell. Both things could be true, but I wasn’t sure whether Milo had fully arrived at that conclusion yet. “And you never told? Anyone?”

“Not really. Kissing newbie, remember?”

I wasn’t likely to ever forget being Milo Lionetti’s first real kiss, but I nodded. “I’m not an expert, but I hear plenty of closeted guys get it on, especially with each other. But I’m guessing you don’t make a habit of hookups.”

“I don’t. I mean…I guess I could have. There have been moments…chances here and there. But…it never felt right. Felt wrong.”

“Because it’s a sin in your mind?” I was so not up for a morality debate.