The next few days in Venice I’d remember forever, especially the night I spent with Ian. My head was stuffed with memories of us sitting close while we sailed down the Grand Canal in a gondola, the quiet whisper of the boat cutting through the water under a night sky studded with stars. The gondolier was dressed in a striped black-and-white shirt, with a hat and a red scarf wrapped around the brim. He held a long pole and navigated in and out of tight canals. I tried to focus on my surroundings but I kept thinking about how Ian’s thigh pressed against mine and the way he kissed me like I was the most important person on earth. He’d finally shyly reached for my hand, and we spent the rest of the gondola ride soaking up each other’s presence as we toured Venice.

He made me giddy and hopeful. He listened when I spoke and soothed a loneliness inside I didn’t even know I had. It was like being hungry all the time but feeling used to it, and then someone gives you a Michelin-starred four-course meal, and you don’t know if you can ever go back to being starved.

Because now you know the difference.

Later, we sat in a small café and ate dinner, talking nonstop about our lives and our dreams. Eleven came too fast, but I’d made a promise, and though Mom had broken many of hers, I didn’t want to do the same.

David had stopped checking in. A few days ago, Freda had sent me a video of them partying. She flashed her boobs at the camera—obviously high—and I caught Connor and David in the background with some girls. I made a half-assed funny comment, but then I decided not to check my social media anymore. Would I have been high and drunk all summer if I’d gone with them? Around Ian, I never questioned if I was cool enough or too nerdy or boring. He made me seem perfect just as I was.

My next gondola ride was nice but different. I sat squeezed next to Mom, Nonni, Kai, Dan, and Hana. We took tons of pictures and an opera singer serenaded us as we coasted down the water in the bright sun of the afternoon. Ian floated nearby in another gondola, and we smiled at each other—our own ride a special secret kept between us even though I’d told Nonni. Mom asked a bunch of questions, but I kept it purposely light. I’d spilled so much to Nonni already in my excitement from the date, and I wanted to be more careful with Mom. I needed to convince her to let Ian visit next week after he finished with Assisi.

The thought of saying goodbye in Siena was too much.