The familiar guilt slammed through me, but I took the punch like a seasoned boxer, already comfortable with the thousands of ways I’d failed at being a mother. It was so much easier when she was a baby. Sure, the lack of sleep and endless exhaustion sucked, but coming home to her precious giggles and obvious adoration made up for all of it. I was able to give her what she needed most of the time. A bottle. A blanket. Changing her diaper. Playing. Food. It was like a checklist to follow that guaranteed a high degree of success and boundless love.

Now?

I couldn’t remember the last time she hadn’t looked at me with utter naked resentment. As if I’d personally done everything I could to ruin her life. No matter what I tried—discipline, being her friend, ignoring her dark moods, offering advice—it was all wrong. And not just a little. Every day my failure was evident in her venom-dripping voice or the cold judgment in her big brown eyes, which had once offered reverence.

She’d always been extremely close with my mother and liked to visit or cook dinner over there. Maybe some extra time with my mother was good for Allegra, especially since I’d been working so much lately. Allegra wouldn’t be pressured or pushed or grilled—my mother didn’t believe in that. At least, not for her granddaughter. She loved to fuss and spoil and pamper, and Allegra adored every moment.

I had to stop worrying about everything so much. I was in a good place, and it had happened under my own drive, discipline, and hard work. Allegra would eventually see all my successes and be proud when she got older. Looking back, she’d finally realize she had more opportunities to make a difference in the world because I pushed both of us.

I refused to have regrets about my choices.

And I refused to fail.

CHAPTER TWO

Allegra

I stood outside Riverview Academy High School next to my two closest friends, Bonnie and Claire. Dressed in our ridiculous uniform of short skirts and blouses, I savored the fresh air before we had to go back inside for the next period. I only had one break in the late morning.

“Are we meeting at the party after the track meet Friday night?” Bonnie asked, reapplying her red lipstick as she checked her reflection in the tiny mirror. “ ’Cause new guy is gonna be there and he’s H-O-T.”

Claire flicked her perfect blond hair behind her shoulder. “He’s not that hot,” she declared. “He’s definitely no athlete. Maybe he’d be better off with Allegra. She’s always liked the brainiacs.”

“He was already talking to Debbie the slut,” Bonnie said. “You know how she likes to do the new ones before anyone else gets their pick.”