With a name like his, Roy could only ever be an object of mockery, and the subject of all kinds of speculation. The whole class knew what Carol Anne was up to with the knife, including the teacher. Why didn’t she do anything about it? Was it a sense of decorum, or an aversion to looking at ugly people long enough for the focus to take? With her oily hair, shiny nose, and open mouth, Carol Anne was repulsive. She was surrounded by a personal magnetic field that warped your senses. She could have built a bomb right in her school desk, and no one would have stopped her.

Now she’s a pharmacist. I know because she sent me a Facebook friend request a few years ago. I accepted. She posts a random combination of PharmaSave Halloween specials, pictures of her new house, and lamentations over her repeated miscarriages. Marie-Lilou’s little sister has joined the other angels in heaven today. I’m writing this here so I won’t have to answer everyone’s questions. Please give us some time to grieve … blah blah blah. It took every ounce of my willpower to refrain from posting that she should look on the bright side: at least we have five days left to print photos in-store for just ten cents a shot.

What I’d really love to ask Carol Anne is whether she used a laser to remove her scars. But I don’t dare. There’s no Roy in her Facebook friends, and she has tons of friends. Some people friend the entire world when they start a business, gathering up all the contacts they’ve ever crossed paths with in the hope of giving their sales a boost. Other people do it for no discernible reason.

Eva

I used to enjoy observing Eva, who was known as a bit of a bozo. There was nothing mean about it. Staring at her was like staring at a baby or at a fire burning in the grate; there was no need to be discreet. She barely seemed to notice. And we all liked Eva. One sunny morning, in an attempt to wake us up and make us feel a little bit guilty for not paying attention, our chemistry teacher made a joke: “C’mon, I walked through ten feet of snow to be here today.” And good old Eva answered, “What do you mean? It’s a hot sunny day!” Classic Eva.