Then, through some sort of miracle, the shouts die down. I look down and Fat Fiset is all on his own. His big brother is walking up the path to the cemetery. He must have some tombstones to spit on. Dave has his pants down, taking a serious dump on the river bank. His back is turned to me, so I can finally climb down. Thank you, constipation. They must not be getting enough fibre since he’s been squatting for a good five minutes. I can see a few dark hairs growing out of his crack. I have time to think.

The plan I come up with is this: find a rock, throw it, crouch down behind a bush, and have a good laugh while I watch the dude try to figure out what hit him. I’ll aim for his big hairy white ass. I’m already laughing. My position is higher in elevation than the banks. I have a clear shot, and he won’t see me. His ass is ridiculously exposed: the perfect target. He’ll think it’s his big brother messing with him.

I throw with all my might, like a baseball player. I don’t stick around, not even long enough to see where it lands; I’m already rolled up in a little ball, hiding. I count to ten before I move.

Then I look for an opening in the foliage to watch the story unfold, but I don’t see Fiset. Shit. Where is he? I can’t hear anything unusual: no one scrambling around, no one swearing. I count to one hundred. Still nothing moves. I pull my hood down over my baseball cap for better camouflage. My hoodie is green, but my cap is beige. I crawl over. Keep my eyes on the ground, to avoid making anything crack. When I finally summon the courage to stand up, Dave Fiset is floating ass-up between two big rocks in the creek.

Thinking back, I remember his hair undulating around his head, like a jellyfish or seaweed. And I remember thinking that jellyfish lived in salt water, not rivers. Funny what runs through your mind at times like those. I was disappointed. Things hadn’t gone according to plan. There was no way I could tell anyone what had happened. What I’d done would look callous in hindsight. I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone to laugh at my hilarious joke.