I responded with a string of middle finger emojis.

ISAAC: It means don’t be stupid. Besides, I have a boner. I don’t think seeing you in person is a good idea right now.

ME: I think I’ll take that as a compliment.

ISAAC: You can take it however you want. I don’t mind giving it to you.

ME: Isaac.

ISAAC: I’m talking about compliments. And you think MY mind is in the gutter. Jesus.

ME: I’m going to need to move house.

ISAAC: You won’t move.

ME: How do you know?

ISAAC: Because nobody else in this town will rescue you when you have a vet emergency late at night or give you free meds for the kitten that isn’t your kitten.

ME: …That is a very valid point.

ISAAC: If I knew bribing women with free meds for their animals would endear them to me, I would have done that a long time ago.

ME: Please. All you have to do is walk in and you endear them to you.

ISAAC: Look at that. A compliment. I feel very privileged.

ME: You’re insane.

ISAAC: I am. Now stop texting me.

ME: You texted first. Why should I stop?

ISAAC: So I can reread our older texts and get rid of this erection.

ME: Oh hell no!

He didn’t reply.

ME: Isaac.

Still nothing.

ME: I AM HIGHLY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW

ISAAC: Have you ever had an erection you can’t get rid of? That’s fucking uncomfortable, Hannah.

ME: Wow. Did you finish already? This is why we shouldn’t sleep together.

ISAAC: No, I did not finish. I didn’t even start. Your text messages ruined my scrolling.

ME: I can’t believe you’re even considering it.

ISAAC: What? It’s that or I go get myself off in the shower while imagining you in there with me.

ME: That is such a teenage boy thing to say.

ISAAC: Must I reference my erection again?

ME: You know what? Go do the shower thing. But you should know that I have terrible balance and I’m more likely to slip and fall in the middle of a shower fuck, thus snapping your penis straight off.

ISAAC: It’s worth the risk.

ME: You’re unbelievable.

ISAAC: In bed. I’m unbelievable in bed.

ME: Don’t you have to go jerk off? Go away.

ISAAC: I’ll let you know how you are in the shower.

ME: I appreciate the heads up.

ISAAC: I’m sure you’ll be fantastic.

ME: This is getting weird.

ISAAC: I know. I was wondering how weird I could make it.

ME: This. This is how weird you can make it.

He replied with two lines of the laughing face emoji.

ISAAC: Talk to you later, Hannah.

ME: If we must.

ISAAC: We much. You should know that I’m not giving up on making those text messages a reality. We will fuck for real.

ME: We’ll see.

ISAAC: You’re right. We will.

CHAPTER SEVEN – HANNAH

I’m Too Old For This

“No, that’s the wrong screw. You know that.”