NORTH AND SHAW: OUT OF OFFICE

SHORT STORIES FROM THE BOREALIS INVESTIGATIONS

GREGORY ASHE

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright 2020 Gregory Ashe

BAD BOYS AT THE RADIO GIRLS

This story takes place before Orientation.

1

SHAW COULDN’T EXACTLY remember where he had put the invoices.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” North said as he kicked a banker’s box away from him. “This is one hundred percent your fucking fault.”

“They’re around here somewhere.”

“That’s great, Shaw. Where?”

“I know I didn’t throw them away.” Shaw froze as soon as he had said this. “I mean—”

“Oh Christ. You read that book.”

“This doesn’t have anything—I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I ought to drag your scrawny ass upstairs and show you what I’m talking about. I’m talking about that Marie Kondo spark-joy-and-throw-North’s-important-paperwork-away book. That book. The one I specifically told you not to read.”

“Oh. That one.”

North swept himself upright in his chair, the Red Wing boots coming down hard on the floorboards. “Oh,” he said, his voice pitched high. “That one. Yes, that fucking one. The one you’ve been talking about ever since you and Benny broke up six months ago. Like you’re going to organize your room because you’re not getting laid anymore.”

“Well, I was reading about this custom in parts of China of giving money in red envelopes and how it brings good fortune, and I was thinking that we needed a little good fortune, so then I thought maybe we should be sending out our invoices in red envelopes—”

“Oh my God.”

“—and then somehow I just had that Marie Kondo book in my hand. I swear. I don’t even know how it got there.”

“Oh my God.”

“But I thought I might as well take a look since I had it in my hands.”

“Oh my ever-loving God.”

“You know, I’m actually really good with paperwork. Cousin Rodney says I’d be a bang-up lawyer.”

“Bang-up?”

“It’s an expression.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“I think it’s British.”

“It’s not. And you’d be a fucking terrible lawyer.”

“Cousin Rodney doesn’t think so. He even said he’d give me a job.”

North buried his face in his hands and took a calming breath. Then, speaking between his fingers: “We’re getting a secretary.”

Some of Shaw’s hair had fallen in his face, and he shoved it away. “I don’t really think that’s necessary—”

“We’re hiring one. This week.”

“I’m not sure we can afford one.”

“I’ll quit.”

Shaw shoved more hair away and grinned. “No, you won’t.”

“I’ll hold you down and shave your head.”