“I want you to try something,” he went on. “Forget that I’m here, that I’m giving you commands to follow. Think of my voice as a line of communication to the water, as a conduit to the river. Allow yourself to feel the intricacies of the rapid. Envision the tongue, like a runway, as we drop in. Imagine the waves, the canyon light glimmering off them, foam and spray igniting in flashes of color and light. Feel the power of the big, green, beautiful waves. Try to truly be here, not fighting against it, not surviving it, but connected to this place. I’ll be right behind you to share everything that we’re doing.”

“Okay,” I said, listening hard to the deep rumble below and trying to feel the surface of the water through the bottom of my boat. I sat up, exhaled, and tried to pull some of the river’s energy into my lungs. Then we were paddling toward Upset.

“Be clear, calm, in the moment,” Harlan said.

I focused on each paddle stroke, each riffle of the water, and the space between each breath. Time seemed to slow down just a bit as I dropped in, turning left and left and left against the massive waves surging off the canyon wall and collapsing over me. I busted through the cold wall of water and heard Harlan yell, “Hold that line!” I felt myself riding on a narrow seam, just between a swirling upheaval to my left, like bombs exploding on a battlefield, and the bottomless hole churning to my right, like a roar coming up from the depths of the river.

I rode the chaos, water, spray, and air all merging together, and it didn’t feel as threatening, because I felt like I was a part of it. There was no kayaker, no boat, no paddle, just pure awareness, reacting without conscious thought. Then everything grew calm around me, and I knew the river had allowed me to pass through. I felt gratitude and joy flooding through my body, like current through the canyon.

Then Rob and Harlan paddled over and flanked me, both leaning in, the three of us hugging tightly. No one said a word for a long time. Then Harlan laughed, but not like hearing the punch line of a joke. Instead, it seemed to come from a long way away and carry with it the resonance of deep emotion. “E, I have to admit, most of the time, you and me look like a junk show out there. We’re slingshotting by each other; one of us is often backward or sideways, but today, we were in perfect sync. Today, we found the flow!”