“In those first years I guided down here,” Harlan said quietly, “after everybody would go to sleep, I would sit on the back of my boat and watch the river cruising by in the moonlight. I know this must sound crazy, but I’d watch the current, and I’d feel an almost uncontrollable impulse to dive in, to disappear, and to see where it took me. After that experience, it was like I’d formed a relationship with the river. Every trip I’ve paddled since, the last thing I do is to put my hand in the water, and I get that same yearning, the feeling of the current moving through my fingers, moving downstream. It’s like a little conversation. I say, ‘I’ll come back someday, but for now, I’ve got some more life to live.’ This is the place where I’ll return someday, and that feels okay, like the river will take care of me.”

As I retreated to my tent, I was conflicted. I kept mulling over what Harlan had said, and I couldn’t figure out whether the river was an ominous demon or whether it was an entity I could trust, one that was inviting me forward. When did you fight the river with everything you had, and when could you trust it and ride the flow? I still didn’t know.

I tried to relax with some music on my iPhone. On my playlist, I was happy to find Mandy Harvey, a professional singer who also happened to be deaf and who I had met when she performed at a No Barriers Summit. Now I was listening to her latest song, which had the same lilting, soothing feel as her previous work. As a result of her experience at the No Barriers Summit, Mandy had taken another courageous step and had begun writing original songs. The outcome was “Try”:

I don’t feel the way I used to

The sky is gray much more than it is blue

But I know one day I’ll get through

And I’ll take my place again

If I would try

If I would try

I don’t love the way I need to

You need more and I know

That much is true

So I’ll fight for our breakthrough

And I’ll breathe in you again

So I will try

So I will try

There is no one for me to blame

’Cause I know the only thing in my way

Is me … so I will try, so I will try …