Annie’s been helping me with dinosaur research. We went to the library and found a whole load of books with pictures of dinosaurs in them. Then she found some small toy dinosaurs in an old box in a cupboard in the loft. They used to belong to Blake when he was a kid. Last week, me and Annie spent a couple of evenings watching the Jurassic Park films. We thought about watching the Jurassic World films too but didn’t. Annie said that she didn’t want to ruin her memory of the originals. And me, like I said, I’m just not that into dinosaurs.

But I want to make sure I get everything right for Kandi. I can’t knit a real-size dinosaur. Annie hasn’t got a ladder that tall nor pockets that deep to buy all that wool. I’m making my little sister a kind of blanket that she can wrap around herself, with a dinosaur hood to pull over her head. Because, man, do you want to know another one of Kandi’s favourite things? It was when we wriggled under the covers to the bottom of her bed. Then I’d use my phone torch to read her favourite dinosaur books. We even kept doing it when she could read them herself.

I miss Kandi so much.

Right now, Annie’s downstairs eating dinner. I’ve told her I’m too stressed and I don’t want nothing to eat. She says the food’s waiting in the fridge for when I’m ready. I can just stick it in the microwave, but I shouldn’t bring it up here to my bedroom. Annie had a foster kid a couple of years ago that stored doughnuts in the wardrobe and the place ended up full of mice.

No food. Just knitting. I need to close my eyes and feel the stitches as they slip from one needle to the other. I need the click, click, click.

When you’re knitting, there’s no silence until you finish it.

Click, click, click.

I hope my heart calms down soon.

Click.

Click.

Click.

If I knit too fast, the stitches are gonna drop and there’s gonna be holes. I don’t want that. If there’s holes, I’ll have to start again.

Click.