Back My Life as a Rat
Chapters (63)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. I
  4. The Rat
  5. The Omen: November 2, 1991
  6. Disowned
  7. The Happy Childhood
  8. Best Kisses!
  9. Obituary
  10. “Boys Will Be Boys”
  11. To Die For
  12. “Accident”
  13. Louisville Slugger
  14. The Little Sister
  15. The Promise
  16. The Siege
  17. Because . . .
  18. The Rescue
  19. The Secret I
  20. The Secret II
  21. Final Confession
  22. “Dear Christ What Did Violet Do Now”
  23. The Revelation
  24. The Bat
  25. Safe House
  26. Runaway
  27. II
  28. “Praying for Violet”
  29. Exile
  30. Sleepwalker
  31. The Iceberg
  32. Turnip Face
  33. Sisters
  34. “Mr. Sandman Bring Me a Dream”
  35. “Dirty Girl”
  36. The Stalker: 1997
  37. “You Are Not Wanted”
  38. Dirty Girl
  39. “Violet, Goodbye!”
  40. III
  41. The Scar
  42. The Burrow
  43. Valentine
  44. Keeping Myself Alive
  45. Off the Books
  46. Rat, Waiting
  47. Sorrowful Virgin
  48. Damned Little Dog
  49. Tongue
  50. Uncanny
  51. First Aid
  52. “Maxed-Out”
  53. The Misunderstanding
  54. The Return
  55. In My Mother’s Garden
  56. Forgiveness
  57. The Guilty Sister
  58. Howard Street
  59. Home
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. About the Author
  62. Also by Joyce Carol Oates
  63. About the Publisher

Still you have nothing to say in your own defense. It is all true, terrible. Almost you feel a kind of exhilaration, that this hostile stranger has seen you so exposed, naked.

Time to leave. And leave your hard-earned “gifts” behind to be returned to the giver. Maid Brigade is dismissing you. Not even as a part-time laborer paid contemptuously in cash, off the books, will you be welcome to return though only recently you’d been one of the Agency’s most diligent workers, uncomplaining and uncomplained-against.

Dwyer adds, laughing: “You must’ve done something to really piss this guy off, Vi’let. Count yourself lucky he called us first, not the cops.”

Count myself lucky. Yes!

BUT THEN, THERE WAS NO CLEAR END. FOR METTI CALLED ME A few days later leaving messages of abject apology, insisting he didn’t want the gifts back, there’d been a “tragic” misunderstanding—the fault of the Agency.

When I didn’t answer, didn’t return his calls Metti came by the place in which I was living, a weatherworn Victorian dwelling north of the sprawling university campus. Metti had seen the residence exclusively from the outside, and at night. Somehow he made his way inside and upstairs unerringly to my room on the second floor determined to speak to me but I hid from him behind a locked door. “Violet! Try to forgive me. I’ve been a little crazy, I think. I never expected that kind of behavior from you. Betraying me. Sleeping with—those men. I’d believed I was the only one.” He began pounding on the door with a fist. “It’s your life, Violet. You have a right to your own life. I can see that. I’m a father, I am not a jailer. A girl—a daughter—can fuck anybody she wants to. Any color. I know that. I am not contesting that. But I’d thought you had promised me. Must’ve missed something, I was sure you’d promised me. When you took gifts from me. Money. There was an agreement. There is an agreement, if a woman accepts gifts and money. But not you, you lied to me. But no, I am not accusing you, Violet. You’re very young. You’re not too young to know better. This isn’t going to end here, Violet. There’s too much left undone. We have much more to say to each other, dear. Women don’t walk away from me, not like this. They walk away when I tell them—walk. This isn’t over yet, Violet. You lying cunt. Not by a long shot.”