Back My Life as a Rat Save as PDF
Chapters (63)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. I
  4. The Rat
  5. The Omen: November 2, 1991
  6. Disowned
  7. The Happy Childhood
  8. Best Kisses!
  9. Obituary
  10. “Boys Will Be Boys”
  11. To Die For
  12. “Accident”
  13. Louisville Slugger
  14. The Little Sister
  15. The Promise
  16. The Siege
  17. Because . . .
  18. The Rescue
  19. The Secret I
  20. The Secret II
  21. Final Confession
  22. “Dear Christ What Did Violet Do Now”
  23. The Revelation
  24. The Bat
  25. Safe House
  26. Runaway
  27. II
  28. “Praying for Violet”
  29. Exile
  30. Sleepwalker
  31. The Iceberg
  32. Turnip Face
  33. Sisters
  34. “Mr. Sandman Bring Me a Dream”
  35. “Dirty Girl”
  36. The Stalker: 1997
  37. “You Are Not Wanted”
  38. Dirty Girl
  39. “Violet, Goodbye!”
  40. III
  41. The Scar
  42. The Burrow
  43. Valentine
  44. Keeping Myself Alive
  45. Off the Books
  46. Rat, Waiting
  47. Sorrowful Virgin
  48. Damned Little Dog
  49. Tongue
  50. Uncanny
  51. First Aid
  52. “Maxed-Out”
  53. The Misunderstanding
  54. The Return
  55. In My Mother’s Garden
  56. Forgiveness
  57. The Guilty Sister
  58. Howard Street
  59. Home
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. About the Author
  62. Also by Joyce Carol Oates
  63. About the Publisher

A single light in the hall fell slantwise onto me sprawled naked in the oversized towel and my arms outflung as if I’d fallen from a height, helpless.

“Violet! Hello.”

At last Metti spoke. His voice caught in his throat, he was deeply stirred. His face was livid with feeling. I thought—He is furious with me. He will fire me.

Then I thought—He will make love with me.

“Violet. My God.”

This was not an Orlando Metti familiar to me. This was an abashed man, totally taken by surprise, smiling, but dazedly smiling, almost at a loss for words.

“You are so beautiful. So sad. Like the Sorrowful Madonna—or maybe—Sorrowful Virgin . . . Can’t remember the artist’s name, something like Rossi, or—Bellini? Italian Renaissance . . .”

In the doorway the man stood indecisive, tentative. This was his bedroom, and that was his bed, and yet: What was permitted him? He had not yet removed his overcoat. His dark, graying hair glistened with melting snowflakes. He was waiting for me to give him permission to approach. He did not want to misunderstand. He did not want to make a terrible mistake. He did not want to be accused of a sex crime. He did not want to be sued by Maid Brigade, or blackmailed by the naked girl wrapped in a towel in his bed.

By this time I was sitting up. Groggy, uncertain where I was. An aftertaste of whiskey in my mouth. (Was I drunk? Who’d made me drunk?) Hugging the damp towel close about myself.

Yet strangely calm. Not at all frightened. For whatever happened, had happened. And whatever was yet to happen would happen, beyond my control.

At last unable to resist Metti stammered: “Violet? May I—OK if I—touch you? Is that what you would like?”

Yes. Yes. If you will pay me extra.

Damned Little Dog

FOLLOWING THIS, THINGS HAPPENED SWIFTLY.

Like that morning in school when Ms. Micaela took me out of class. And then to the school nurse. And then, the principal. And then, the police officers.

Safe now. Safe now.

For he adored me, he said. Crazy for me.

How beautiful I was. How sorrowful. Never seen such sorrowful eyes.

No more cleaning his apartment! In fact, he would pay me not to clean his apartment.

No more doing his laundry! Scrubbing his toilets! Vacuuming the floors! Cleaning up after the damned little dog!

The identical fee each week, with a tip. Of course. Cash.

“No more housecleaning for you, Violet. Tell the Agency you are quitting.”

Intoxicated with his own generosity. The suddenness of love.

Gay, festive. Exuberant. “Darling, we must celebrate!”

Wine, champagne. Struggling to open a bottle of champagne that kept slipping from his fingers.

Panting with laughter, together. Already I was drunk, before I swallowed the first fizzing mouthful in a sparkling-clean glass that, the previous week, I’d washed myself by hand, and carefully dried.