“Because I haven’t had a chance to go to the store. This works as good as Spray ’n Wash.” I put the shirt into the machine, closed the lid, and turned on the warm cycle.

“How come you’re not jet-lagged like I am?” I asked. “I feel like there’s a weight on top of my head.”

Mary Alice moved from the doorway and I followed her into the kitchen and collapsed onto a chair.

“I have more reserves than you do. More stored-up energy. You want some coffee?”

I nodded that I did. She got two mugs, poured the coffee, and pushed the sugar toward me.

“You see,” she explained seriously, “it’s simple. I’m slightly larger than you, and that little extra fat gives me more energy. If you would eat normally, you wouldn’t be so tired.”

Little extra fat. Slightly larger. Ha. The woman is six-feet tall and weighs two hundred fifty pounds. Admits to that. No telling what she really weighs. Especially after hitting every good restaurant in Warsaw, Poland, where we had been for the last two weeks spending Christmas with my newly married daughter Haley. And, believe me, there are some good restaurants there.

“You probably lost weight in Warsaw,” she continued.

“I may have. All that walking.”

“And not eating.”

I poured milk into my coffee and watched it swirl around. No way I was going to get into this argument. Mary Alice has never believed that it’s genetics that made me a foot shorter than she is and a size six petite. She swears it’s lack of nutrition.

“I had an E-mail from Haley this morning,” I said. “She’s missing us.”

“Well, of course she is. Nobody speaks English in Warsaw. Nobody. And there’s not even so much as a WalMart. Just all those museums, old as the hills, and you have to ride those rickety streetcars to get anywhere, for heaven’s sake.”

“I thought it was a beautiful city.”

“Well, you see, that’s the difference in you and me, Mouse. I like things to move a little faster.”

“You mean like interstates?”

“And better TV. Their Wheel of Fortune was pitiful.”

I sighed and let Mary Alice ramble on. Haley was very happy, and she and her new husband, Dr. Philip Nachman, considered it the opportunity of a lifetime to be spending the first few months of their married life in richly cultured Warsaw.

“I’ll say this, though.” Mary Alice took a sip of her coffee. “Nephew seems to be making Haley happy.”