I would rather have had him locked up, Mother. That would have been far preferable. But if I’d followed the official route, then Sara, Thom, and Emma would have lost both their parents. They would have been left dependent on one another, brought up by Werner’s parents, or drifting from one foster family to another. The thought of it tore me up inside. The alternative was just as horrible: Should I have held my tongue and continued to expose my children to the man who tried to kill their mother? Should I have suffered in silence while they spent their weekends with him? A mother’s duty is to protect her children. So that’s what I’ve done.

Yes, Mother, I know—I’m just as worried about Sara as you are. She’s seen and heard too much. But she’s strong too. She has her pragmatic father’s genes. I think I’ve managed to gloss over most of it. Justify it, even. And as far as she knows, Werner went to France to work on himself.

His body was never found. Ultimately, she’ll be better off without him.

We all will.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Emily and Ria lately. Emily was on TV just now. Her son has been missing for six months, and she thinks the police aren’t doing enough to investigate. She wept; she looked straight at the camera. I was so close to picking up the phone. It’s eating away at me, Mother. More and more. I don’t know if I can stay quiet, if I can keep the truth from her. Then again, I’ll never know if she and Werner were partners in crime, or if she knew that Werner wanted to remove me from his life so drastically.

Maybe I’ll still do it; maybe I’ll confess what I’ve done to Ria and Emily. Not now, but in the future. When my kids no longer need me.

Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments

Berry

&

Annelies

Sally

Sabrine

Sabine

Renate

Nini

Monique

José

J. and L.

Debby

&

Carola

Thank you to Jozef van der Voort, Liza Darnton, the copyeditor, the proofreader, and the teams in the US and UK for all the work, effort, knowledge, and love you have put into this translation. I could not have asked for a better team.

About the Author

About the Author

Photo © Noortje Dalhuijsen

Nova Lee Maier is a pseudonym of Dutch bestselling author Esther Verhoef, whose psychological thrillers and novels have sold more than 2.5 million copies in the Netherlands. Esther is the recipient of numerous awards, including the NS Publieksprijs (NS Audience Award/Prix Public); the Hebban Crimezone Award; the Diamanten Kogel (Diamond Bullet); and for Mother Dear, the prestigious Gouden Strop (Golden Noose) Award for best crime thriller of the year. She is also the author of Close-Up and Rendezvous, both available in English. For more information, visit www.novaleemaier.com and www.estherverhoef.com.