This week’s theme was “Neon ‘90s,” which meant we had to pick a song from 1990 to 1993. We settled on Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” after listening to the remix Linkin Park had done, along with the covers by Breaking Benjamin and Anberlin. There wasn’t much for me to do during this song, but maybe that was better—less chance of falling off the stage and making a fool of myself again. Instead, it was Kyle’s turn to shine on keyboard.

During our final rehearsal before the live show, Jared wore a T-shirt with a bunch of X-Men villains on it, like Magneto and Mystique. Seeing him embrace his inner geek made me want to rip his clothes off right there in the studio. He kept grinning at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking, but the other guys were too busy practicing to notice.

After we finished, the guys headed back to the hotel, and I made an excuse about wanting to check out the piano in one of the other practice rooms. I’d hoped Jared would stay behind, too, but unfortunately, he left with them. Oh, well. Just me and the music. But I was used to that after a lifetime of practicing alone.

It wasn’t completely an excuse either; I’d been itching to get back on the piano. I hadn’t touched one since I’d joined the band, except for that brief moment with Kyle’s keyboard. Guitar had completely taken over my life, and while I didn’t regret it for a second, I did miss other instruments, too. Okay, not so much the clarinet.

I sat in front of the piano and ran my fingers along the smooth black-and-white keys. Without thinking, I slipped into my usual warm-up routine, as if I was practicing in my old living room or in one of the music rooms at school. The nostalgia should have been comforting, but instead it made me feel trapped, like I was shoving my true self back in a box.

I shook off the feeling and placed my fingers back on the keys. I wouldn’t play anything I’d practiced in school. If I had only a few stolen minutes with a piano, I would play the music I loved most: movie scores. I’d lose myself in an epic piece, letting the melody paint a scene in my head, from romantic to action-packed to bittersweet.

To get into the mood, I played through a few different themes, from The Godfather to Harry Potter to Inception. Jared walked in at the end of the Jurassic Park theme, and I barely managed to keep my cool while I finished the piece, trying not to show how much his presence affected me. He could have returned to the lobby to flirt with other girls and keep his reputation going, but instead he’d come back to me.