Sitting there in the emergency room along with all the moaning sick people, amidst the beeping, whirring, buzzing hospital sounds, the chatter of bored, angry, sad, fighting people, I couldn’t help it—I bawled my eyes out. I cried for Mom, and I cried for Grandma, and I cried for Cass, and I cried for the Farm.

But mostly I cried for myself. I cried for my glorious future, the bright and shining hope of my visions. I cried because I knew I would never be great, ever.

I would never be much of anything now.

Chapter 48

Horace survived, just so you know. You’d probably have to run him over with a tank to kill that guy. He told his colleagues at the sheriff’s office what had happened to him, about how Murphy and I ran off after our Mom died and he came to find us, how he got held against his will by our grandmother and tortured and all that. But when the cops went to investigate, they didn’t find any bodies. The house was in order, like someone had tidied it up and then left on a trip. Grandma’s and Sheriff Bearden’s bodies had vanished, the blood mopped up, the barn chained and shut, everything all nice and squeaky clean and put away, not a sign of a cult as far as the eye could see. They did say a family by the name of Urquhart was squatting in the attic, saying they had a claim to the land, that it was rightfully theirs and one day they’d prove it. The cops asked me if I wanted those folks off the property, and I said no, to let them stay, that we’d deal with the details later.

I could tell the people at the sheriff’s department all thought Horace was nuts, even though Murphy and I confirmed his story. They asked if we wanted to go back to Benign and point out people to prosecute in person, but I said no. I think I’d die if I ever had to face those people again. I just don’t think I could handle it.

One thing keeps bugging me, and I know it’s selfish, but we’ve pretty much established that I’m a selfish person. Here it is:

When did I become the bad guy?

I mean, I meant well, didn’t I, wanting to be a leader, wanting to guide the Farm into becoming something glorious? Didn’t I start off right, desiring good things for people, giving everyone a purpose, putting life and hope back into their lives? Didn’t I stand opposite the Urquharts and the Gentlemen and the Clock Without Hands, all the evil and corruption that had spoiled Benign, that kept it from becoming the beautiful place it was always intended to be?