“I have postulations only,” Schulman said. “My primary thought is that Hashem wanted me to experience the fragility of life. As that boy’s life was in my hands, so am I in Hakodosh Boroch Hu’s hands. That was the purpose of the biblical sacrifices. Do you think that Hashem needed us to give Him a goat or a ram for His ego?” The old man stuck his finger in the air. “Of course not!”

Decker smiled.

“Hashem wanted us to know how precarious is our hold on the thread of life. One minute that animal was alive, full of strength and vigor. A second later, it was dead. So it was with that boy. Those dreams come to keep me humble, Akiva. To make me understand that we are mortal creatures.”

“Nothing like a war to make you feel mortal,” Decker said.

Schulman patted his shoulder. “If I may interpret your pain, I’d say what you saw in that young girl’s death was your own mortality. And it scared you. Witnessing death firsthand, taking a life—horrifying, frightful. You don’t even realize how scared you are until after it’s all over. First you’re relieved to be out of that situation…then you become angry. Like discovering a practical joke had been played on you. The more scared you were, the more angry you are afterward. And the anger can stay with you a long time.”

“You were angry?” Decker asked.

“Furious! Enraged! Crazed with vengeance!”

“So how did you get rid of it?” Decker asked.

“Who said I did?” the old man cried out. “I’m still an angry man! Sometimes I’ll be reading an article in the paper about those mamzers from the Historical Review—the Nazi mamzers who say the Holocaust never happened. I read about the skinheads. I want to kill them. Ah, but I don’t. And you may get angry, start shooting at the barn, but you don’t murder, do you?”

“No,” Decker said.

“Ask God for forgiveness, Akiva,” Schulman said. “Hakodosh Boroch Hu is the only one who can give you solace. I’ve told you that before.” He stood up, motioned Decker to do the same thing. The old man embraced him tightly, then looked him in the eye. Still holding him, he said, “Then, my boy, have the courage to forgive yourself.” He broke away. “Enough of the past. Let’s learn a little Talmud.”

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