Details: Attempts to mitigate damage by initial volley failed due to disarray of formation. Majority of casualties occurred in the first few moments of combat. Unit F-GC-001 initialized override protocol to attempt to avoid further damage to AIGCS. Weapons disengaged and holstered.

Details: Human 2552 made several references to excrement and continued to suggest maternal fornication. Repeated references to human reproductive habits suggests that it is of the utmost importance to human activity. Further study of this phenomenon is required.

Special Note: Freudian upgrade had insufficient data on this subject and focused primarily on the ambiguous ubiquity of phallic covetousness.

Details: Despite attempts by F-GC-001 to retain control of the situation, Human 2552 continued to access commands using control device Z99. Recommend decommissioning this device as soon as possible.

Details: Human 2552 accessed unarmed combat commands, possibly unintentionally. AIGCS units engaged in droid fu. Manner of employment suggests that Human 2552 remained unaware of control device Z99’s functionality. Human 2552 received karate chop to lower ribcage and reengaged aforementioned high-pitched communication attempts. Nominal increase of methane gas in atmospheric composition suggests earlier references to excrement had been prophetic.

Details: F-GC-001 reengaged overriding protocols but was unable to cease droid fu by all units at one time. In the intervening moments, Unit F-GC-005 had collected Human 2552 by the ankles and attempted to use him as bludgeoning instrument to destroy Unit F-GC-012. Vital signs of Human 2552 suggest lapse into unconsciousness.

Details: Protocol 162 was not engaged. Situation was brought under control.

Statistical data is below.

Casualty report: 19 units assessed destroyed.

Casualty report: 8 units assessed critically damaged.

Casualty report: 1 unit assessed damage to ocular sensors due to ketchup.

Fighting strength remaining: 7 units fully operational.

Outcome: Loss.

Assessment: This situation presents data that there may have been several miscalculations. First, more data is required on Human 2552 to elucidate ambiguities of competence, as equal probabilities exist that Human 2552 is a lower form of intelligence and that Human 2552 is a potential concern. Second, presenting control device Z99 as a means of reassurance may have been premature and potentially dangerous. Third, more observation of human behavior in general is necessary to discern levels of importance, e.g. reproduction and ethanol-based beverages.

Report Submitted By: F-GC-001

Too Stupid to Be an Ensign

Once, when Rogers was younger and vastly less wise, he made a bet with some friends that he could take a full tablet of zip jack—a powerful and illegal psychedelic—and walk through the ground traffic on Merida Prime unharmed. Amidst all the hoots of disbelief, he took a sugar pill that he had swapped for the real zip jack and prepared to march toward the far side of the busy intersection full of smug bravado.

It wasn’t until the first hovercar morphed into a giant slice of apple pie and invited him to sample its innards that Rogers realized that, somewhere along the line, he’d made a critical error with the placement of his sugar pill. The adventure of the next several days (in reality only a few minutes) consisted of him not only getting to the other side of the road miraculously unscathed, but doing so on the back of a sperm whale that sang him songs of the Old Country.