At first I took a hand myself, and the guards found this hugely amusing; and it was not as if the work grew any lighter as a result of my participation. One of them said to me:

‘What, are you a Jew-lover or something? I don’t get it. You don’t have to help them, so why do you bother?’

For a moment I had no answer. Then I said: ‘You don’t get it. That’s why I have to bother.’

He looked rather puzzled, and then frowned. For a moment I thought he was going to take offence, but instead he just laughed and said: ‘Well, it’s your fucking funeral.’

After a while I realized that he was right. The heavy work was killing me, just like it was killing the Jews in my kommando. And so I stopped. Feeling ashamed, I helped a convict who had collapsed, hiding him under a couple of empty handcarts until he had sufficiently recovered to continue working. And I kept on doing it, although I knew I was risking a flogging. There were informers everywhere in Dachau. The other convicts warned me about them, which seemed ironic since I was half way to being one myself.

I wasn’t caught in the act of hiding a Jew who had collapsed, but they started questioning me about it, so I had to assume I’d been fingered, just like I’d been warned. I was sentenced to twenty-five strokes.

I didn’t dread the pain so much as I dreaded being sent to the camp hospital after my punishment. Since the majority of its patients were suffering from dysentery and typhoid, it was a place to avoid at all costs. Even the SS never went there. It would be easy, I thought, to catch something and get sick. Then I might never find Mutschmann.

Parade seldom lasted longer than one hour, but on the morning of my punishment it was more like three.

They strapped me to the whipping frame and pulled down my trousers. I tried to shit myself, but the pain was so bad that I couldn’t concentrate enough to do it. Not only that, but there was nothing to shit. When I’d collected my alms they untied me, and for a moment I stood free of the frame before I fainted.

For a long time I stared at the man’s hand which dangled over the edge of the cot above me. It never moved, not even a twitch of fingers, and I wondered if he were dead. Feeling unaccountably impelled to get up and look at him I raised myself up off my stomach and yelled with pain. My cry summoned a man to the side of my cot.

‘Jesus,’ I gasped, feeling the sweat start out on my forehead. ‘It hurts worse now than it did out there.’