I'm not asking for custody, not even joint custody. Just the right to see him and have him stay, every other weekend and half of school vacations. I'll be the traditional dad and he can be the traditional mom, dropping Paul off at school, picking him up from school, taking him to piano lessons, to music classes, to the swimming pool, taking him on vacation, living with him every day. What part of this nanny life suits him? What's the story he's telling himself? Every other weekend is the most I can ask for without causing disruption for Paul, they say. I have to take it slowly. Either way I don't have an apartment. Either way I'm used to this now.

16

Maybe it's the winter making us like this. She says she can't take any more. She says my life's difficult and so am I, she says she can't stand me being like this anymore, leaving at night, disappearing for days then coming back again, professing my love, she can't take it anymore, the back and forth, the hot and cold. She's had enough of my being a burden, enough of the wild child act. She's sick of my arrogance, the stupid things I say, going from one extreme to the other. She says one day she'll end up leaving me. I tell her she loves me too much to do that. She slaps me, I smile, it feels like a caress. I want her to hit me harder, I want her to tear my skin off, I can't take any more either.

17

We can do what we want, there's nobody on our backs, it almost feels strange, like we're doing something wrong. The association has extended my visitation rights. On Wednesdays, I go and pick him up from school at 12:30, after his drama class, and drop him off at 4:30 for his swimming lesson. At first Laurent said no, the director of the association insisted, there were discussions, in the end he gave in.